tutu blues


so i basically didn't take photos for about 5 days.
i've been feeling like crap, super emotional, stuck in a rut, started bleeding and have been congested.  of course i have my moments of pep when i'm around others or on the phone with a good friend, but for the most part i've been bogged down.

we had dinner last night and decided to go for a little evening stroll.  chloe wanted to wear the yellow tutu and i said it was ok over her pink/purple adidas track suit.  moses, of course, suddenly was interested and took the tutu while i handed chloe the one with sparkly stars.  you gotta be quick with these things to avoid any fighting, you know...  moses began pulling the neon yellow tutu over his black sweatpants while i helped chloe.  he announced "....i'm not a giiiirrrrllll!"  in a "well i didn't know that!" sort of tone.  or maybe it was more like something he had heard from a show or from someone else saying "you're not a girl, are you?!"

and it broke my heart.

for the most part, people didn't question this tutu phase.  there were other boys doing it. just a phase.  i knew that.  i knew that one day, someone would say something or he would just learn through observation that society has decided tutus are for girls.  it's not that i'm rooting for everyone to wear a fucking tutu, but it made me feel so happy to see how happy it made him feel.  it made me feel so happy that he was still of an age where it didn't matter what he wore and that for the most part, nobody was going to make him feel shitty for wearing one.  i'm sad that this phase is coming to an end and that he no longer is blissfully ignorant of what it means to be a girl/boy.  i know that i can tell him he can wear whatever he wants, because i really couldn't care less.  in all honesty, he has worn that tutu so many times, that i have grown accustomed to it.  it has become a norm.  however, at this point, i don't think my opinion is going to outweigh whatever it was that made him say "... i'm not a girl!" tonight.

so i brought the camera.  he's been wearing it less often and i figured, this might be one of the last times or THE last time he wears it.

 my mystery child
 there she goes...
reckless abandon
why are they so drawn to walking narrow paths that are raised above ground level?  
 i love him.  and i am going to miss this so much.  he is so happy.
 want to get him a strider.  borrow one temporarily and then take the trainers off of this McQueen one so he can just peel around.  so many kids have learned so fast on those striders!!!
 his eyebrows are too much for me
"one owl and one sparkly"
miss chloe bear with her mismatched shoes.  it's her new thing.
he is just like kevin, using his hands to express and explain his thoughts
getting chased down by this girl to make wishes left right and centre
my little bookworm.  totally out while reading his clay illustrated French dictionary.  
 i don't understand how they grow so fast.  when people think about having babies, they think about having babies... forever.  for some reason, people somehow forget that babies turn into people.  i myself am  still in denial that my children will be 10 and 15 and 25 and 50 and 80 and will eventually also pass on.  it doesn't seem possible.  then again, it didn't seem possible that moses would ever be 4.  and let's not even discuss how chloe is already 2.5.  the same repetitive nature of motherhood makes everyday blur into the next and with it, both the good and bad memories.  i can't remember my kids as babies, as 6 month olds, as 1 year olds...  and i know already that since chloe turned 2 in december, her language and speech has just exploded and continues to snowball every week.  it's terrifying.

it was really nice to capture these photos.  i'm still feeling heavy hearted and not as up to the challenge.  still a lot of things going through my mind...



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