being gentle

i promise i will go buy vitamins.  and i will try to go to sleep earlier.  and i will try to drink more water.
i will try to not lose my patience.  i will try to maintain a relationship with my husband beyond parenthood.  i will try not to be fully consumed by the business even though in order to buy a house in the next 2 years so that the 4 of us aren't trapped in 1040sq feet of condo hell, I NEED TO BE CONSUMED.

there are a lot of curveballs, countless and growing TO DO lists, and a home that really requires some specialized organization along with that imaginary housekeeper.

i'm feeling lost lately.

the summer came and went so fast i'm not sure that it actually even happened.

and what now?

i'm not sure why i am writing here this afternoon instead of sleeping, but i figure it's because i have a lot on my mind and to be honest, i miss it here.  i miss this blog being more about family.  The Pauhaus has taken off since last year.  it actually has been a year now since i did family photos for Jade which was the kickstart to my photography.  i've put everything into this and more.  i'm still learning so much and improving on many areas where i had struggled throughout the year.

but, man, am i ever TIRED.

the past few weeks have been brutal... for whatever reason.  i'm driving and i feel like i'm nodding off.  my body doesn't feel physically capable of doing, well ANYTHING.  my brain is a cavernous void of white noise.

things are great, but i am not.

my body and mind feel like they are crumbling beneath the tenacious nature of my mind and passion to GO GO GO!  i'm worn out.  i'm like the dirty old sock with holes in it.  really, that's how i feel a lot of the time.

and everyone pays for it.  i pay for it.  the kids pay for it.  kevin pays for it.

it is a hard road being a stay at home mom with two kids while getting your business off the ground.  i'm a full time mom and a full time photographer/blogger/designer.  there are only 24 hours in a day and it's just not enough time to provide enough rest/downtime necessary to push and push day in and day out.  i love this blog.  i love my work.  both take an incredible amount of time to choose and edit images and arrange them in a way that flows and tells a story.  the amount of time it takes to create/design promo ads is longer than most people would expect.  i'm creating forms and stationery for photography, working harder on creating storyboard templates to showcase photos as a departure from slideshows or tiled galleries and it all just takes an incredible amount of time.

again... i don't really know what i am here writing for.
maybe so people know that behind the scenes, behind the beautiful work and joyful posts, that i'm really just a human being... and often enough, falling apart trying to do what seems like everything.
i'm trying best to do what i think are the right things and it's a challenge.  should i be focusing this much on the business?  do i need to pull back?  how much do my kids need me right now?  should i take a break?  is it worth it to put them in daycare?  will i regret not spending time with them?  but i don't spend time with them at home anyway other than constantly refereeing their fights and cleaning their pee and spilled meals/drinks.  we are on and off looking at houses which is torture but at the same time, the extra fire under my ass to push and get the business rolling.  and how do i do that?  by not sleeping, by compromising my well-being, and prioritizing it over pretty much all else.

even when we head out for a walk or go to the park, i am consumed.  i can never seem to just focus on relaxing.  i'm constantly trying to figure out my next steps and plan out when and how to complete everything on the TO DO list, past present AND future.  i need a break but i don't know how to stop...

all this... without the mention of how much the kids are driving me up the walls lately with their fighting.  or how kevin and i are trying to have more time together and improve our communication.  or all the other emotional things going on in my life and in the lives of my own loved ones.  when i finally get to bed, my head explodes with a million thoughts and worries that keep me awake even later.  i'm garbage by the time the kids peel me out from the covers...

i'm stressed out and worn out.

if i have been hired to provide you with any of my lovely services, please be gentle with me, please be patient with me, and know that i am doing my very very best.


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