rambles on the train
(written sometime last week)
my brain is not itself these days. life has been a mashup of a million different things
we had a total 16 families partake this year. i did a great job getting the first batch of postcards out in a timely manner only to receive a phone call the next morning telling me i need to leave more bleed which meant i needed to redo 6 of the 9 cards. UGH. that was friday morning. i drove the kids out to Richmond in some ugly traffic and rushed back to get ready for kevin's Christmas work dinner. i took a shot of Patron that took me an hour to recover. the first 15 minutes seemed like i could do another, i was wrong.
i returned home to bust out those 6 postcards, not wanting to add them to the list of the next 6 families i would be shooting the next day.
the day went fast but i didn't feel very well at all and since then, i have felt as if i either had mild food poisoning, fever, flu .... or as if i were pregnant.
thankfully i ran into Erin at Safeway today who told me she had the exact same symptoms for 2 weeks. she told me i was fine and to go home. today has been the first day i have felt better and thank god, because pushing out these last 6 families with a gigantic endless headache with 24/7 nausea was really wearing me thin.
i lightly entertained the idea of another baby with Moses and Chloe. chloe was into it. Moses immediately said no and backed it up with "then i'll have to make breakfast for THREE PEOPLE!" dear god. simmer down, Momo, you make cereal for you and chloe and that's pretty low-key.
i had Sunday and Monday to my albeit barfy/migraine self to work. kev took the kids out sunday and monday was a daycare day. those quiet days are restful until my brain realizes it can hear itself and starts exploding. i found myself overwhelmed with the amount of thoughts that started infiltrating the calm silence of the (finally) (somewhat) tidy home.
time is devouring my lifeline. when i look back on the glory days, they seem closer to me than the last 4-5 years of motherhood. is it because my memory has been a graveyard during these last few years that the most lucid and recent memories are those partying days? those shopping days? those DAYUM do i look like a sweet piece of meat days? those "what are we going to do today/where should we eat out today?" days?
i've been harbouring old feelings. i've been letting my thoughts run wild and free and it's making me feel crazy. but i'm such a deeply emotional creature that no matter how much these feelings torture me i feed the beast because it's who i am: emo to the bone. i love to get lost in my head.
you can't always get what you want
but if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need
these words have been ringing true to me since i was a little girl and remind me of my present state of reality. i have always had everything i needed. it's not like the things i want are good for me either, in fact the majority of things i want are probably detrimental to my overall wellbeing. underneath it all i'm a hot mess. without kevin, without Moses and Chloe, i would be one hot mess.
how did i get here? how on earth are the kids pushing 3 and 5???? WERE THEY NOT JUST BABIES???? i guess not, since i have ZERO recollection of what that was like. i have officially left the world of baby/toddler motherhood and moved onto the KID phase of motherhood. it's different. i remember when the kids were young, seeing the moms with older kids and wondering why they weren't quite as open to connecting. i know now, they have been there already and they don't remember, those days are foreign and they are plugging away getting through their new schedule of family life.
what is next? i've been drowning myself in the past only to thrust myself out into the possibilities of the future. how am i going to handle having kids ages 5-10? god dammit, i don't want to. i want them to stay 5 and under. i don't know why. the future seems so scary these days. i don't feel prepared to be launched into this new phase. in 5 years moses will be 10. DID I JUST BLOW YOUR MIND? i just blew my mind.
and i didn't have time to finish.
and i didn't have time to finish.
so onto a new post in the meantime...