i'm losing it.  i've been really struggling mentally the last couple of days following these past weeks of trying to unwind, trying to figure out how to reorganize and prioritize my life for 2014.  my head is ACHING as we speak.  i'm in a nasty place and i'm so frustrated that i haven't been able to shake this off yet, frustrated that if anything, it's gotten worse.

i made the decision to not go forward with valentines.  i've made up my mind to kick the mini sessions in general.  that was a huge weight off my shoulders.  i stopped working so late.  i've given myself more ME time, more time with the kids, more time outdoors, more time with kevin.  i've been doing a pretty decent job with resolutions and for whatever reason, i am still stuck in this dark place.

i practice gratitude and do my best to instill a sense of gratitude in the kids on a regular basis.  that is usually the thing that works best when i get into smaller funks, but i don't even think that i am feeling depressed in terms of where i am in my life.  it really just feels like a chemical imbalance.

i don't know if it's my state or if the kids have also just been worse lately.  the repetition is wearing both kevin and i thin, thin, thin.  parenting has really become a struggle.  the kids are pushing harder, being sneakier, and just throwing a lot of new behaviours into the mix.  chloe keeps sneaking things around the house and then lying.  today, late for school as usual, chloe pipes up that she can't find her backpack.  well, that was peculiar since i had JUST packed their lunches and put the backpacks by the door where the kids had been standing.  so i am rushing around the piles of mess from our morning playdate, back and forth and back and forth trying to find this large pink Hello Kitty backpack, when suddenly, in my manic frustration, i stop.  i stop right in front of Moses who is standing beside the closets.  my mind warps on itself, thinking OH MY GOD… if I open this closet and find out that this kid has hidden Chloe's backpack and has been watching me fly like a hurricane all over the house…  somebody is going to get hanged…  

I don't know if any other parents ever just stop in their tracks to receive such incredulous potential situations but I've had a few.  (yesterday, i opened their closed bedroom door to reveal they had TP'd, YES, TOILETPAPERED, their entire bedroom, including tying little white bows onto all the knobs on their dresser).    I was not prepared for the hot rush of fury that I knew might crash over me once I opened the pantry closet.  My Facebook status over the past 4 days could have easily been a permanent "completely losing my shit and trying not to strangle the fruit of my loins".

Of course it was there.

and i lost it.   the word STUPID was echoing like a gong down the halls.

i don't know what has gotten into them.  and i don't know what has gotten into me.  the 4 of us in this house lately have been an atrocity.  and i don't know what to do.  kevin and i are starving for patience, it seems.  we live in a small space.  in between announcing breakfast, lunch, and dinner meals are ready, we are reminding them to play with one thing at a time so that they aren't cleaning up 5 gargantuan messes.  i do my best to keep tabs on what they are doing, but i can't spend every second monitoring them while i am madly trying to maintain the rest of the household.  while i am making a meal, they have already created at least 3 different activities that are sprawled throughout our tiny 1040 square feet.

i'm exhausted from cooking/cleaning and reminding them about everything under the sun and really, the worst, is getting chloe to clean.  moses will moan a little but for the most part he is a dream cleaner.  chloe has been the spawn of satan when it comes to cleaning and i am just not the parent that will give up and clean up her mess.  i'm sure it would make my life easier, but it is not how i want to bring her up.  unfortunately, this means a truly exhausting and taxing process for the both of us.  cleaning up the felts and crayons from drawing should take 1 minute.  it's quite an easy and mindless task.  it will often taken 45 minutes + to do this.  she will sit and lie on the floor for about 45 minutes while i repeatedly ask her to put them away, while i repeatedly explain that if she can not take care of her things, they will be given to someone else.  she will put one away, then spread herself out again in defiance.  the word clean literally makes her melt onto the floor.  i am exhausted from this.  having to do this with her multiple times a day is driving me completely insane.  and this is on top of all the other wonderful behaviours she has been experimenting with.

yes.  i know.  she is only 3.  what the eff am i going to do in 7 years when she is 10, when she is 14, when she is 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, and hopefully it ends at 23.  i don't know what to do.  if i don't know how to parent her at 3, what hope in hell do i have for her when the real shit hits the fan?

this is really just the tip of the iceberg.

i actually did my first try at the steps today and upon arriving at Erin's to drop off her phone that she had forgotten earlier that day, i came in white and green with my head pounding and a tight chest.

i'm worn out.  i feel like garbage.  i look forward to going to bed the second i wake up except for the fact that i feel miserable at the end of everyday, feeling like a failure in every aspect of my life.  i want to do everything and i can't.  i'm trying to have the same clean home that is miraculously achieved by other moms of two, because if they can do it, i should be able to do it.  and i can't.  and i wonder why?  i wonder why i don't have the same neurotic nature as my mom and sister?  i did SO MANY CHORES when i lived at home.  is it nature or nurture?  is there any point in me trying if i am just not that kind of person because no matter how hard i try, i can't seem to do it and i then i get frustrated that i am constantly living in a mess.  and i wonder if it's better for me to just clean up my kids mess so that they are living in a cleaner home rather than forcing them all day long every godforsaken day to clean up their own mess.  will that have any influence?  or will they just be who they are going to be?

i'm not organized and i don't even know how to begin to be organized.  i envy those who have schedules and everything categorized.  i wonder, again, is it nature or nurture.  i'm a creative mind.  does that have any bearing on the way my brain works?  i live organically and spontaneously.  i don't like order but i need it and i don't know how to implement it.

i feel like everything is a huge mess.

and i don't know if this stuff is related to the current depression i have been fighting or if it is separate.  i am very much feeling like i am a teenager again, lying on my bed in nothing but a towel with wet hair, staring blankly out the window, not knowing if i am coming or going, feeling like i am not on solid ground, feeling like i'm half in a dream, half below and half above water.

i know i could go see a doctor but i can't do prescribed medication.  it messes me up even more.


  1. oh phanie.... i am sorry you are struggling right now - i really hope you know how amazing you are!!! i don't know what it's like to have two monkeys... it really seems so tough to balance all the shit that gets thrown at us on a daily, hourly, every minute basis... and for you, trying to maintain your creative practice, your business, plus cooking, cleaning, being a good partner, and raising your kids in every aspect of their life - sheer exhaustion. those other moms who may appear to have clean places have their own shit going on. i find it one of my daily struggles too to try and balance work, chores, being a mom, and any me time. i don't have much advice, sweet friend - except i support you, empathize, and send you strength to get through each day - you are SERIOUSLY a super woman, i truly mean that. i know this sounds insane to throw on top of all the exhaustion - but have you ever tried running? it can burn off steam, clear your head and give you the friendly endorphins... um i haven't run in years now but when i was running i felt pretty happy. anyway, probably a stupid ass suggestion. but i'm thinking of you! xoxo

  2. thank you for always taking the time to respond to my crazy ramblings. it means a lot to feel like people are listening, connecting and empathizing! it really is a crazy balancing act trying to be everything to everyone with hardly any attention to oneself. i may very well take up running. i did attempt in the summer which didn't last long. i attempted to do the stairs out here, but that left me unable to walk for about 3 days… it's definitely a great way to clear the clutter in your brain.

    thanks lynds for the support xoxox


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