january fog

i've been feeling really lost lately.  the end of the year is just a mass storm of craziness that january has left me trying to find my way through the dust cloud and rubble underfoot…

i feel like i hit my max… big time.  it was a big year, my first year.  it went by SO fast.  so many of the early spring photos i took do not seem like almost a year ago.  they still very much seem like maybe 6 months ago.

new year's is hard.  granted, anyone can change their life at any point in the year, but society pushes us to make our big changes and resolutions all at the same time.  it makes sense i guess if you don't take into account that everyone is at different stages in their lives… perhaps some are not quite ready for a giant upheaval or a striking makeover.  social media DOES NOT HELP those that are not ready.

no, i did not get to unveil a brand new site.  i'm currently making small changes little by little that have only started in the past week.  still trying to put my finger on my packaging.  still trying to figure out if i should actually go through with Valentine's minis as i don't know if i want to do minis anymore.  and the pressure is on because well, it's around the corner, waiting, like a big growling dog and i have no treats in my bag.

if anything, i'm trying to slow down.  as a mom, you are first faced with the constant decision to put yourself first or your child first.  the child of course, is first first first first first.  your own comfort, looks, happiness, and time are all sacrificed for the betterment of your child until you're pretty much running on nothing.  then out of desperation you have a dying fit and go have tea at a friend's house at 9pm at night, home by 1030-11pm.  whoop.  i would say that is a decent generalization for most of us.  some of you may be taken aback by the "happiness" part but it is not to say your child does not bring happiness.  believe it or not, moms are humans, and humans feel joy from a variety of things, and though a great portion of joy is taken in your little one, it is a draining role that requires time and space away from this joyful little person or persons.

my children are older.  they are more independent.  they are no longer babies that need to be fed, burped, changed and napped.  they feed themselves, they play together and give me more free time.

as usual, the grass is always greener.  i find myself missing the slower days.  i miss walking in the fresh air into town, with the stroller, chloe in front and moses riding on the back wheel board.  the days were long, i know, but looking back, they seem like they were more… worry free.  "mo money mo problems" is right.

i'm still at home with the kids while trying to get myself off the ground.  it's overwhelming to say the least.  it's ridiculous that i didn't think the kids would ever hit school years.  they are and it's making me sad.  i have been doing my best to make more time with them and to unplug more.  it has been shocking my system lately, to go out and feel what a huge difference it is to breathe the air.  it feels and tastes so good, AND SO FOREIGN it kind of scares me to think that i must never go out!  i have been forcing us to be more active, taking them out on their bikes and to the park on warmer days.  i have forced myself to leave both my phone and camera at home so i can just run around with them and BE with them.  to laugh with them as they get excited when their mommy sea monster gets closer and closer.  to be engaged in conversations with them, to not be agitated by their questions while trying to figure out which Instagram filter best suits the best of the 10 photos i ordered them around to pose and repose for.

i feel guilty.  i feel guilty for not wanting to do what i love to do.  it really isn't that i don't want to do it anymore, but i think my resolution is to focus a little less on photo and give my family more of me.  i will work for the rest of my life and they will be in school for the next 20 years.  really these are my last days with them and there is no amount of money that will be able to buy back this time.  truly, i feel guilty about this and i hate it.  i shouldn't feel guilty.  i need to make more time for them.  i don't want them to grow up remembering that i was always saying NO to them because i was too busy and had other things i needed to do.  it sucks having to choose between your career and your family.  one will always suffer.  one will never get all of you.  you will never get to be all you can be for either.

i've been missing life before the internet and iPhones and iPads.  the real life connections between humans.  talking face to face instead of autocorrected text slang sprinkled with emojis.  it's not real.  and neither is anything else on the internet.  if it were not for the business, i would definitely have unplugged myself from Facebook.  it is exhausting keeping up.  everyone is posting their brains out and everything is just a blur.  what did we do before all of this???  sigh.

i'm trying to decide what direction i am going.  i am feeling uninspired these days.  january 18th is supposed to be the most depressing day of the year and i am hoping that whatever this slump is that i have been fighting is just part of the post-holiday season and that i will be able to shake off this annoying elephant on my shoulders.

that's my nutshell lately.
you can tell by the amount of food i've been posting that i've been a little depressed.
feelings can be so delicious.

hope your january is going a little better and if not, don't let the internet make you feel bad.
call up a friend.   hear their voice and go meet them for coffee or lunch and turn of your phones.


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