crabcakes

sometimes i hate being a crab.  i hate how my tendency to fixate and obsess causes me to sometimes build the armour i already have into something so impenetrable that i forget there is any softness at all inside of me.  i'm quick to anger.  i have a bad temper.  it gets so hot it often feels like i set myself on fire and collapse, exhausted from running around trying to put myself out.

i have so much on my mind.  i need to be more mindful.  i need to practice breathing and and just BEING.  i allow myself to get consumed with not just one thing but multiple things that are all overwhelming in their own way, and as always, i paralyze myself.

i'm not liking myself these days.  i don't like being with myself, living with myself.  i'm too much work.  there are so many things that need improvement, i feel like i'm in a constant state of renovation without blueprints or a budget.

 

i'm really tired all the time and i don't know why.


i miss old times but i don't know what i miss about them.
i miss old friends but i know they are gone for a reason.

i don't want to go out tonight but i have to.
i don't want to take photos tomorrow but i have to.
it's really not that i don't want to, it's more like, i'm feeling super tired and depressed.
i really want to stay in bed for two days without seeing anyone.



this has been a really heavy week emotionally and i can't seem to figure out
how to navigate myself in these uncharted waters.



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