Last of the Snow

i have a bad habit of getting super focused and obsessing about things and more often than not, it blows up in my face.  i was determined to capture a certain image in my mind, inspired by another image i have had pinned on my cork board for over a year.  two kids from a dance class running through the forest.  having had our surprise snowfall, i thought it would be double awesome to try to capture this image WITH the snow.  i didn't get what i wanted and as a result i totally missed on capturing the kids over at the beach instead.  

oh well.  lesson learned.  i need to keep more of an open mind.  i need to stop obsessing and having anxiety over everything to the point of paralyzing myself.  the end result is always the same: NOTHING.  my productivity becomes ZERO.  my fear of failure is holding me back.  i'm afraid that maybe i don't have what it takes.  but how will i ever know if i don't try???  how will i ever know if i let others dictate who am i and what i should be producing?  i'm not sure why this has come up at this point when i have busted my butt all last year to get my photography off the ground.  i'm not sure why i am suddenly second-guessing myself and setting myself up for failure and disappointment.  i've updated my site and although it is still a work in progress, i am really happy with it.  where is this fear coming from?  

the new year has really challenged me…  i've been wanting to really focus on what direction to take with my photography and in trying to figure out that focus, i have done a lot of self-reflection, maybe too much.  unfortunately, looking in has lead to finding my own worst enemy: myself.  i've been  constantly beating my self up and bullying myself with a lot of hate speech.  the voice in my head has been nothing but mean, discouraging, and defeatist.  i need to change this voice because i go to bed scared of the next day.  i wake up feeling hopeless and afraid that i will be taking it out on the kids.  i've been having horrible headaches all day long for almost 2 weeks now due to the intense dose of mental beatings i've prescribed myself.  it needs to stop.  i'm not functioning, my emotions are out of control  and it's a huge disservice to my kids, family and friends.  

ultimately, i am receiving positive feedback from clients and other photographers that i highly respect and love and that is what i need to focus on.  i am going to write myself a mantra or and intention to read and reflect on to start off my days.  if anyone has any they could share, that would be lovely.  :)


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