FEAR & LOATHING in WONDERLAND



it feels like my life is in a perpetual dream setting…

music and smell.  the ultimate devils of nostalgia.
just a half second passing of a familiar scent or the first 3 notes of a song can hit you like a slow motion blow to the face followed by another to the heart.

sometimes i feel like i'm trapped in a music video, the ones where they play with time, switching from past to present to future with portions being set on fast forward or frozen while the rest of the world spins on.

this dream state has always been part of my mental makeup.  it mostly sets its hazy filter when i get lost trying to figure out the puzzle pieces that have bridged the THEN to the NOW, the PAST to PRESENT.  my chest tightens.  it feels like those 2 seconds of suspension at the top of a sky scraping roller coaster, just before the big plunge.

where did those bridging puzzle pieces come from?  i don't remember them and i certainly don't remember putting them together and now everything is somehow SO VERY VERY DIFFERENT… Where Am I?  Who Am I?  Who Have I Become?  

it's a scary feeling.  it sometimes feels like i wake up in the future when it's really just the present.  i spend a lot of time reliving and analzying the past.  i know i'm not supposed to.  i know the past is the past.  i think for me, the past is directly related to the present, there is a strong connection and i am afraid that if i let go of the past, it will be gone forever.  WHAT IF I NEED THAT PIECE OF THE PAST TO FIGURE OUT THE NOW OR THE FUTURE???  i know it is unhealthy.  i agree that it does take over my life.  i can't concentrate on the now… but i don't know how to let go.

letting go.



why are some able to let go easier than others.  why is letting go such a tormenting feature of what it means to be me.  (also, i can't tell you how annoying it is to have this frustration with letting go at a time when Frozen's Let It Go is a part of mainstream culture… maybe i should learn the lyrics and start belting it out whenever i feel frozen by the depth of my bottomless emotions?  apparently singing helps release endorphins.  and the fact that i would have no choice but to laugh at myself would certainly release a second wave of endorphins is making me consider this a little more…)

i just watched Life of Pi last night with kevin.  it was amazing.  holy god the imagery!  a huge applause for the vast stretches of still ocean reflecting the glorious heavens above.  i wasn't expecting a mention of "letting go" at the very end of the movie.

 I suppose in the end, the whole of life becomes an act of letting go, but what always hurts the most is not taking a moment to say goodbye.

part of me still yearns for a proper goodbye.  i know when i left that night that there was a chance i'd never see you again.  but it's not you, it's me.  closure, like faith, is not necessarily something that can be given.

i'm constantly in search of how to fix myself, how to let go of the past.  i'm constantly sharing my frustrations with friends, hoping to find an answer to my ailments.  maybe something will CLICK and i'll know what direction to take.

i'm considering seeing a highly recommended counsellor.

in addition to my fight with my past.  i'm coming to terms with a few other things that i have recognized in myself that i want to improve.  i'm seeing flickers of myself in chloe that worry me.  everyone, my mother included, urges me not to worry.  you can't worry about the future…

so i'm living in the past.
i'm worrying about the future.
leaving no room
for the present.

and yet.
i take photos.  hundreds of clicks every week, trying to capture the present
for the future
in hopes of creating a beautiful past for me and my family


i feel like nothing makes sense.

i'm not feeling as distressed and depressed
but i am certainly continuing to feel anxiety about what i want to do with my life

i am inspired by so many things…
i miss a lot of the creative mediums i used to work with and i have been craving the pleasure and the excitement of expressing myself in mediums outside of photography.
there is no doubt that i will continue taking photos.  that will remain a constant.
i want to paint again.
i want to do printmaking again.
i want to DRAW more, i want to exercise my hand and get it loose again.
i wish i could take the piano from my mom's home so i could play here…
loosen those hands too, get that flow and rhythm back...
electric keyboards just aren't the same…  the acoustics do not exist.
piano was definitely intensely therapeutic
and no doubt it would bring a warmth to our home
and possibly ingrain a deeper sense of musicality in the kids…

this blogpost is looking a lot like my old diaries
and livejournal postings
dissected into prose

stop
go
stop
go

i've also been feeling the need to journal my thoughts more.
this used to be more of a forum for that… before the photos took over.

i will probably be doing this more often
so reader BEWARE

PHEW.
already, just like that.  i feel a million times better.

perhaps i continue to put photos on hold
to stop feeling pressure to commit to it entirely.
what good am i if i am not inspired and loving it?
or is that a spoiled way to think?  is that an irresponsible way to think?
i'm constantly walking the fine line between the constant stream of inspirational quotes
trying to figure out which one to follow, which one is right
because even though i know the world is not black and white
but infinite shades of grey...

i'm afraid of following the wrong one.





i'm afraid one of them is wrong
i'm afraid the one i follow, though good for someone else, is bad for me
and i'm afraid to be stuck in a different hole
different holes
forever
trying to figure out how to live my life


but maybe my life is about getting stuck in a million different holes
IS IT????

while on the topic of being deathly afraid of… LIVING
i'm also afraid of myself

these intense cycles of thought that i get stuck in
i've been getting stuck in them all my life

Tavi Gevinson (teen blogger, fashion icon and TED Talk speaker)
mentioned in her TED Talk about how she felt we are all essentially the same person
we are as we were when we were teenagers, that our teen self was a magnified version of who we have always been.  (They say we are who we are from about the age of 6).
i believe this and yet it scares me because of HOW intense my emotions were as a teenager.  for many of you that have followed me here from the beginning (or even earlier during my livejournal days) you are probably aware of my intensity.  for those who are new to me, you are probably a little shocked/terrified though not entirely surprised that i could be more intense than i am now at 30…

some appreciate my neuroses.  Robin MacMillan dubbed it as the new chic at this weekend's rooftop party in Railtown.  she was probably just trying to make me feel better.  maybe…  we're all a little cray aren't we?  some others see it as dirty laundry or inappropriate, others connect and relate and appreciate.  there are a lot of people in this world.

things i still want to BE/DO now that i am grown up:
1.  kids fashion stylist/photographer
2.  kids fashion designer
3.  kids arts and crafts instructor
4.  owner of a blank canvas/gallery space to rent out for parties and events for adults and kids where i can provide delicious healthy food/fun creative activities/my own stationery and products/decor and styling for the various occasions
5.  blockprinting on fabrics (blankets, curtains, kids clothes, scarves, upholstery fabric…)
6.  PAINT.  GIANT PAINTINGS OF COLOUR.  LOTS OF COLOUR.
7.  travel.  i want to travel so badly and i wish i hadn't been so afraid before having kids to travel more.  and i am still scared to travel, to be out of my element and have to forge my way through an unknown place.  WHY AM I SO AFRAID OF EVERYTHING????

there are so many avenues.  how do i know which one to take?  which one to cross out?  which one is viable?  which one is a "waste of time"?  but is ANYTHING really a waste of time?  isn't life to discover and learn as much as possible?  is that an impractical way to go through life especially on a lower income with two kids and 1040 square feet to live?  and is THAT last statement a statement of ingratitude?  

i'm going to stop there because i really just wanted to share what it is like being inside of my head.  what it's been like for the past 3 months.  what it's been like my entire life.  unable to take things one step at a time because everything is inevitably connected to a million consequences which i then allow to overwhelm me to the point of exhaustion, mental paralysis and emotional overdrive.

my dad always told me i was so emotional and that i needed to learn to control myself.  
chloe has been exhibiting this same behaviour and it terrifies me and breaks my heart.
i need to learn to control myself so that i can help her to control herself.


thank you to anyone who actually made it to the end of this.









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