a million dollars

...is what i feel like right now.  not that i feel like i would like a million dollars (though i would gladly accept it from anyone who was offering such a lovely sum of cashola), but i feel SO GOOD, right now, in this moment.

i have a halo of clarity and my body feels brand new.  i just had my first yoga class after the two week Spring Break and the third week which i missed, and it was exactly what i needed.  i don't know if Jen was trying to accommodate this morning's Facebook status: Today is a fight, please send good energy, or if it was just a coincidence, but i am a 180 of the person i was this morning.

it's clear that being aware of my mental state is no longer enough.  it definitely helps to recognize it, but on mornings like today or evenings like sunday, it's clear that more is required.  anxiety is also becoming a more prominent figure in my life which often sets off the depression, and fighting off both is nothing short of completely exhausting.  i've been suffering from the bad headaches at night and in the mornings, and this morning's was a real rocker.  it's like in cartoons when someone gets trapped inside a giant bell and the little guy comes around an beats the bell with an enormous bat.  the pressure was especially intense and my body was aching all over.

it took me about 3 hours of being gentle to myself and being laissez-faire with my parenting (despite the kids sneaking around and lying to my face and not admitting what they did…) to get out of the hole.  i am thankful in a lot of ways that school is in the afternoon so that my morning is flexible when i wake up in this condition.

good things are happening.  i know Eat Pray Love is a few years old, i never watched the movie but i happened to pick it up the book at the library last week.  i don't know if you have read it, but it's been alarmingly wonderful to connect with the main character.

I took on my depression like it was the fight of my life, which, of course, it was.  I became a student of my own depressed experience, trying to unthread its causes.  What was the root of all this despair?  Was it psychological? (Mom and Dad's fault?)  Was it it just temporal, a "bad time" in my life? (When my divorce ends, will the depression end with it?)  Was it genetic? (Melancholy, called by many names, has run through my family for generations, along with its sad bride, Alcoholism.)  Was it cultural? (Is this just the fallout of a postfeminist American career girl trying to find balance in an increasingly stressful and alienating urban world?)  Was is astrological?  (Am I so sad because I'm a thin-skinned Cancer whose major signs are all ruled by unstable Gemini?)  Was it artistic?  (Don't creative people always suffer from depression because we're so supersensitive and special?)  Was it evolutionary?  (Do I carry in me the residual panic that comes after millennia of my species' attempting to survive a brutal world?)  Was it karmic? (Are all these spasms of grief just the consequences of bad behaviour in previous lifetimes, the last obstacles before liberation?)  Was it hormonal?  Dietary?  Philosophical?  Seasonal?  Environmental?  Was I tapping into a universal yearning for God?  Did I have a chemical imbalance?  Or did I just need to get laid? -page 49

i need to admit that when i got to the astrological consideration, i stopped and yelled "SHE'S A CANCER!!!  I KNEW IT!!!  I KNEW IT!!!!!" in the middle of my bed.  from the very beginning, her crazy ass ramblings were like home to me.  (yes, i'm clearly very much into astrology…)

i had no idea what this book/story/movie was about when i picked it up, but i'm really connecting as someone who feels in limbo and is overwhelmed by the purpose and meaning of her life.  also, after that big long rant of trying to figure out the root of her despair, she ends on a funny note.  SO ME.  ask my husband…  he'll tell you how funny i (think i) am…

she writes about her fight with her medication, how she knows it helps but wants to be rid of them.  my next step is to try a few options because i don't know how long this is going to last and come September, i am going to be ROCKED by the early morning rush of getting Moses to school on time 5 days in a row.  it's going to be a nightmare for me even if i am in good shape.

in addition to trying out herbal and prescribed medications, i will be continuing my path of eating cleaner.  we are what we eat.  i've done a damn good job with my nutrition and my cooking in the last 3 years now and i'm taking things to a new level by cutting out a lot more meat (and cheese) than usual.  i'm impressed at my commitment to finding vegetarian/vegan recipes because its an entirely different way of cooking.

i'll do a few separate blogs on some of these, but i'd love to let you preview the latest and greatest.


remember the 20 Minutes One Pan Pasta fail?  
i had a rematch and it was a FANTASTIC base to work from.
(yes those white flakes are cheese)
  

this is new baby 1 of 2 to be posted 


breakfast made from the previous day's dinner


on the left we have new baby 2 of 2 that i can't wait to post

on the right we have one of my recent favourite snacks: cucumber and mango salsa with lime juice that can be scooped up with tortilla chips/rice crackers or with a giant spoon on the couch.  shallots and cilantro if you're into it work wonders as well.

i've been focussing on food a lot more than usual.  i love food.  it is probably the greatest contributor to my happiness in life and while i am struggling with my well-being, it's a great place to focus my energy.  i love eating.  i love trying new things.  and with some great basic cooking skills under my belt, i am truly enjoying the challenge of trying new things.  i'm feeling good on a health level and a competence level.  i feel like i am achieving goals, tasty healthy goals.  the time and effort i have put into learning to cook is really paying off.  i feel happy eating things that don't make me feel gross and guilty and when i do go out and indulge on occasion, it's not a big deal.  (i totally ate a bunch of cheese on my Ladies Night on Saturday and again during Sunday's baby shower.)  we have regular and soy cheese in the fridge right now.  i think kevin will be able to live with less meat, but definitely not cheese.  i'm probably in the same boat.

yoga was fantastic and i am really happy and proud that i made the commitment.  it's only once a week but it's a great start for me.  baby steps.  shavasana ended with John Lennon's Imagine which is one of my all time favourite songs and in my final state of relaxation all i wanted to do in that moment was to have the sheet music and play it myself on the piano.  i really really want to play more piano.  so therapeutic.

had my beautiful friend over today to choose her favourites from her boudoir session and i am really enjoying editing her choices.  

dinner in Burnaby at Sally's tomorrow night followed by a VIP date night with Caela Thursday evening at the new Gesamtkunstwerk Exhibition!

SO 
i'm feeling great… right now. 

channeling good energy.
thank you to everyone who sent all that amazing energy this way today


xoxo


***
got hit with another blow soon after this post around 1:30am.
slept in chloe's bed.  feeling my body heal from yoga.  thankful for the sunshine.
we are doing good today.
  




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