Scared and Not Prepared

This pregnancy is hands down the scariest of them all.  I don't know why I feel so unprepared… I mean , I've done it twice and with both kids so close together.  Getting pregnant while Moses could not either speak nor walk.  Having to put a leash on him for the last couple of months because my body was unable to run after him to keep him safe if he decided to take off.  I did it.  I went through that blur of mothering the both of them.  I have minor memories of Moses prior to having Chloe, and pretty much ZERO memories of Chloe up til yesterday.  at this point… nothing sticks and it breaks my heart.  like my own childhood, i realize i can't remember all these hilarious and sweet moments forever.  they slip away unless i remember somehow to document them.  THANK GOD I have photos, though I truly ought to spend 100 hours putting together a yearbook/family album for every year like miss Ashley Ann here.  for goodness sake, i'm a photographer and i create these books for my clients!  i should be making these for MY FAMILY!   then at least if all my hardware goes kaput, i'll have the books.  unless of course everything goes up in flames…

what a digression.

Moses and Chloe's labours were night and day.  with Moses, my waters broke May 21.  I had no idea.  his head was so far down that his giant head was like a plug that only allowed little bits at a time to come out.  i figured it was still the mucus plug.  i was lucky that i had a doctor's appointment later in the afternoon where i was told my waters had broken!  i had no other symptoms all day.  not a single contraction.  i was sent home.  if i didn't start having contractions by morning, i would be induced at the hospital.  around 12-1pm, that is what happened and for about 8 hours of the worst back labour and huffing the laughing gas until they ripped it away from my clenched fists, i was only a few centimetres dilated.  i finally opted for the epidural.  i couldn't walk.  i tried, but my legs were completely out.  i couldn't feel them nor move them, so i had a catheter.  it wasn't until about 7am that i was finally fully dilated.  i pushed for about an hour and at 8:25pm my first baby was born.  he was so little.  he had so much hair.  he was so so little.  it's so hard to think he was ever that small when he is 3/4 my height at age 5.  it took 30 days to name him and i love that we went with Moses.  my Momo.  my little guy who inflates me with so much pride.  his brain is so quick and agile, like his Daddy.  the things he creates and the leaps and bounds he makes with reading and math sometimes overwhelms me.  these were not my strengths as a child.  he has grown into such a loving person that always aims to please.  he is my Pride.

Chloe was named right away.  She was born in 2 hours flat after my doctor broke my water.  the contractions steadily worked their way up from mild and manageable to HOLY GOD I'M GOING TO DIE.  no gas.  no epidural.  all natural.  i carried so much guilt from not having Moses naturally that my entire pregnancy with Chloe was devoted to swearing i could and would go natural.  i talked with her.  we were a team, we were going to do it.  i don't remember the pain but i remember my mind processing the pain, flipping back and forth between "I CAN'T DO IT!" and "I CAN DO THIS!"  i don't remember a lot visually because my eyes were closed and i was on my side in fetal position as a dozen carving knives slowly and gracefully glided their edges across the entire width and length of my giant raging belly with every contraction…  lasting up to over 2 minutes

4:48pm - 41 sec
4:57pm - 43 sec
5:03pm - 29 sec
5:06pm - 53 sec
5:11pm - 36 sec

5:16pm - 1m 7 sec
5:23pm - 55 sec
5:29pm - 1m 2sec
5:34pm - 1m 14 sec
5:41pm - 1m 32 sec
5:46pm - 1m 9 sec
5:51pm - 1m 58 sec
5:56pm - 1m 54 sec
6:00pm - 1m 31 sec
6:05pm - 1m 52 sec

6:13pm - 2m 7 sec
6:18pm - 1m 48 sec
6:23pm - 1m 5 sec
6:27pm - 1m 45 sec
6:32pm - 2m 41 sec
6:36pm - 2m 41 sec
6:39pm - 2m 3 sec
6:41pm - 1m 5 sec
6:44pm - 2m 13 sec
6:49pm - 1m 19 sec

and about 30 min later chloe arrives @ 7:25pm

 you actually feel like you are going to die.  and the ring of fire.  i was unsure if i was going to know what it was, but there is no mistaking that motherfucker.  it's like someone actually lines your vagina with gasoline and then lights it up.  and meanwhile that gang of knives are still cutting you and the doctor is telling you to PUSH HARD / STOP PUSHING / GENTLE SLOW PUSHES / BREATHE / STOP PUSHING / PUSH HARD.  and through your screams and tears and sweat coming from your giant manatee body (exposed for the world to see because you don't give a shit who sees you in labour) that used to be that hot young thang, you obey because that baby has nowhere else to go but out of that ring of fire.  there is no escape.  and nobody is going to kill you no matter how much you beg.

but i did it.

she was here.  my little girl had arrived.  and now she is 3 and a half.  they both jump into my bed every morning, and every morning she pops my shirt up to talk to the baby.  Good morning, Baby!  It's me, your big sister, Chloe!  How are you today?  Did you have a good sleep?  I love you baby."  i am as equally in awe of how she came from my body as i am with Moses.  she is a blast.  she cracks me up.  she makes me laugh when i'm angry or sad.  she's is my sunshine on the rainy days.  she is my Joy.


who is this little one going to be?  only time will tell, i know.

i don't have the same determination that i had with Chloe for labour.  i did it, but now i know what it's like, i'm terrified.  i don't know if i can do it again.  will i wuss out when i hit 2nd stage of labour?  will i be able to push through?  i'm afraid that i am already so weathered down from being a mother of 2 for the past 5 years that i might not have that same fight in me to do it.  i've already had it with pregnancy and i'm not even showing yet.  the nights are already horrible.  it takes me almost 2 hours most nights to fall asleep.  i'm fed up with the constant discomfort.  i have enough on my plate, much more than i did with the first two, adding the relentless headaches and random waves of nausea to these busy days only to end with tossing and turning for two hours is really wearing me out.

it's been a long week with a very long weekend ahead.  i wish i could just sleep through the whole thing.



sigh.
it's going to be ok.






Comments

  1. Dude, you totally have this. Also, #3, you're not even going to feel it fall out ;)

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