Full Circle

yesterday was a good day.  i love mondays because they feel like saturday.  our weekends are usually so busy that i really look forward to the freedom that monday offers us.  i'm soaking these days and years up before mondays return to their bad reputation.

the kids helped me make another batch of granola.  we had delicious veggie sandwiches for lunch and then headed out to Oakridge to meet up with Caela to discuss a new design project.  we finished our meeting just in time to drop her off at home and make it to my ultrasound appointment at Women's hospital.

i always forget that this appointment isn't actually for my entertainment, but to check on the baby to make sure everything is as it should be.  i always forget that it usually takes time to go through the checklist of things required.  within that time, the kids' excitement to see the baby wore off as it was largely a lot of things they could not really see or understand.

i was so grateful to have such a kind and patient technician who also happened to be a mother of 3.  while i was stuck lying on my back with gel all over me, i had no ability to assert control over the kids as they became increasingly bored and antsy from sitting in their chairs.  once the checklist was complete, we got to really see the baby!

the technician was so sweet, she printed out a bunch of photos for me and let the kids choose 2 of their favourites to be printed for themselves to keep.

classic profile

a detail of baby's face!

his/her sweet little face

when the screen switched to the 4D images, i got tears in my eyes.  the kids were driving me nuts and i was feeling stressed, but as soon as the screen switched and i saw his//her little face and little arms and fingers, all that stress melted away.  i love this last photo so much.  that's my baby.  yet another one.  another little person that is going to wear me out but make me feel so crazy in love.  this little one is going to change everything.  having Moses and Chloe together was an entirely different experience than this one is going to be.  it's going to be loved by so many of us!  the kids are capable of love and tenderness.  they are capable of kindness and gentleness.  they play Family pretty much everyday, taking turns being the mom/dad and kid/baby.  they show great care and concern for their favourite stuffies.  it's going to be a whole new kind of love that i know is going to blow my mind.  i will be able to see Moses and Chloe share their young-hearted love with this new baby, in their own way and as a joint team.  

as eager as i am to bear witness to all this love, i am definitely aware of how crazy it will be, especially with the adjustment to our new home.  we will have just moved in perhaps only a month before if this baby is on time.  it will be cutting close.  and if this pregnancy is like the last time, i will be highly immobile!

i'm excited and stressed about the new house.  there is much work to be done.  at the same time, i am really beginning to see our current home with renewed eyes.  this is where kevin and i began our family.  this is where we raised Moses and Chloe.  they are both at an age where they will probably have memories of this home.  though there are a number of things that have bothered me, there are so many things i will miss.  

i will miss the beautiful light we get in our bedroom and the ambient light into the main living area.  i will miss watching the BC Day Fireworks from our patio.  i will miss the kids jumping into their swim gear at 10am when the sprinklers go off for 10 minutes for an early morning play.  i'm going to miss living in the Beach Grove area.  we've met so many wonderful friends in the area and being a close skip and hop to the dyke and beach will be difficult to leave behind.  that said, once the kids are a bit older, it will be an easy bike ride to the main dyke entrance to the beach.  and i know i'm really going to miss having a cool car in the summer and a warm car in the winter thanks to underground parking!

i'm so nostalgic.   i often think of our tiny 500 square foot bachelor pad in Marpole where we lived throughout my pregnancy with Moses until he was 5 months.  i wish i had taken more photos of the place while we were there to share with the kids.  i remember looking through old photo albums and seeing where i lived just before i turned one and moved into the house i grew up in.  it looks like such a mystery.  it's really hard to think we will be uprooting after these past 5 years and with a NEW baby on top of it all.  i'm going to cry a lot when we move out of here, i know it.  it's where both kids learned to eat, walk and talk and grow their relationship.  so many wonderful meals shared with friends, birthday parties for the kids, and not to mention hosting many of my first clients photo sessions here!  

it's a lot of change, but i am so very grateful that we were given the help needed to make it happen.    

today marks the 11th Anniversary of my Dad's passing.  we stayed home.  i was grateful to have an overcast and drizzly day to stay cozy inside.  this year has flown.  i can't believe it's been a year since i shaved my head…  how is that possible???  i'm so happy to report that i am at peace.  it's been a year of much change.  a lot of demons have been put to rest.  i have made peace with a number of other things that have dragged me down for too many years.  i'm so happy to have been able to let them go and to move forward, especially with all the change that awaits.  i went through a nasty bout of depression and with it a rough patch with kevin, but miraculously managed to come out of both triumphantly and just in time to find out we were having another baby.  god, i can't believe it's been a year!!!!  it definitely feels like august 2013-august 2014 is missing 4 months!

change keeps coming.  the universe continues to maintain balance as the world turns and our loved ones come and go.  in the sadness of death and loss of those we love, we are reminded to live our lives fully.  WE are still alive, WE are still here, WE still have so much love to share and beauty to behold.  with every death, there is always another new life, with every despair there is always hope, with every loss there is something to be gained if we are willing to see.  i see my Dad in me.  i see him in my sister and my brother and my own children.  he is alive in our thoughts, memories and actions.  

i am so grateful for my wonderful life and though i am terrified, 
i am very much looking forward to the rest of what life has to offer.  



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