36 Weeks

we've had a great run of super sunny days for the last two weeks so i am not sure if it is the sudden absence of the sunshine or the fact that i am 36 weeks and had a bad sleep, but today has felt like a bad day.  i say felt, because i know everyday is what you make of it.  i know that i control how i see the day, i control my perspective, and i can choose to let things ruin my day or i can say:

"tomorrow is another day, a new day…"

i can take deep breaths and i can remind myself of all the things the i need to be grateful for.  it doesn't take much to ramble off that great list:

i have a wonderful healthy family.  we have a roof over our heads and beneath that roof is a heated space with clean beds to sleep in, hot water for a bath or shower (whichever we choose, whenever we feel the need…), a million clothes to choose from, a stocked pantry/fridge/freezer of healthy food to feed everyone of us to our fill, and a sea of family and friends.

of course those are the basics, but what more do you need?  indeed we have excess compared to so many others.

so the fact that i am grumpy from a bad night's sleep is an easy fix as i can choose to go to sleep right now, in warm clothes, in a warm blanket, on a comfortable clean mattress.

the fact that i am disappointed with the carpet that was just installed today is something i just need to live with because, we NOW HAVE CARPET and financial help to cover its cost… and in a few years, we can change it.

the fact that i didn't get to eat between the hours of 11am-4pm was an easy fix, even if it meant dragging ourselves to Dairy Queen to eat rubbish instead of coming home exhausted and trying to figure out what to make while feeling horribly exhausted, volatile and hangry as all hell (which of course would end in screaming obscenities at my impatient and eagerly hangry children).  i need to remind myself that although i might feel like i have been slipping a lot lately, falling dependent to fast greasy unhealthy food, we still eat well the majority of the time.  tomorrow will be another day.  we can eat better tomorrow… i hope.

i'm drained trying to finish up my last projects, but i'm getting there.  i've done a good job considering my physical state.  actually, i've done a simply fantastic job throughout this pregnancy!!!  PATS ON THE BACK!

my stomach feels like it grows every 2 days.  i'm so thankful i scheduled my Holiday Sessions when i did, because it was the last weekend before i began having my traditional end-of-pregnancy WEIRD SHOOTING PAINS LOCATED WHERE MY LEGS MEET MY HIPS THAT MAKE MY LEGS COLLAPSE.  it's mostly in my left leg.  my Doctor has no idea what it is and i don't think there is much i can do except be very careful when i am walking.

i'm feeling a little worried…  i know i am prone to depression.  i know the cold rainy and dark winter months make it especially challenging and with a baby on the way with the added sleep deprivation, i'm afraid of how well i will be able to cope.  we all turn into monsters when sleep deprived and i am so afraid of the monster i will become to all 3 of these little guys.  i hope that this last time around, i will truly say FUCK IT to work and cleaning and just LET MYSELF SLEEP throughout the day so that i am better able to function as a person.

i can't believe how little i have for this baby.  i can't believe how not concerned i am that in the constant moving and rearranging of our living situation (and suffering from severe pregnancy brain…) i don't have a clue where any of my baby stuff is located.  don't know where the nice blanket i bought is, nor the handful of random clothes kevin and i picked up months ago, don't know where i stored the giant suitcase of M+C's baby clothes, blah blah blah…  so basically, if i went into labour right now, i would literally go to the hospital with nothing but a few baby blankets that Nicole just gave me last week because is all the baby shit i have in the house right now.  that being said, i'm sure kevin could run out and grab a few things while i was still at the hospital.  i don't have a glider, or a rocker, but i have a couch and a bed.  i don't have a baby room but i have a bassinet and a crib, both which will probably be in my bedroom for the first few months anyway.

i'm trying not to be concerned, but there is a part of me that is wondering if i am being TOO laissez-faire and if this is going to bite me in the ass?

either way.  life is good and i am blessed.
well.  that certainly helped me diffuse my frustration.  


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