Birth of a Boy

Boxing Day.

I was lucky to skip Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, but I kind of wanted to skip Boxing Day as well.  It is sort of like the current Naming situation, I'm all about wanting something a little unique, not wanting to share the name or birth date with anyone/anything else.

"'Sup Nameless Homie, when's your birthday?"
"…Boxing Day, bra"

great.

but he's
healthy and beautiful
and he just makes my heart and eyeballs melt every moment of every day.  yes even the first night we came home and i didn't sleep until 6am, even then, his tiny little feathery-downy-soft face squeezed a few lugs of warm fuzzy love juice out of my heart.  Ok ok ok, I will admit, I did accidentally pass out from 2-4am with him in bed.  I was trying to avoid co-sleeping but he would wake up after about 5 minutes every time i put him in the the little rocker beside me.  Oh well.  SURVIVE.

so, following my ultrasound and fetal heart monitoring appointment at Women's on Boxing Day, my Doc pushed to have me admitted in hopes of breaking my waters and having a repeat scenario of Chloe's 2 hour labour.  short and sweet and convenient.

i love horoscopes and i am also a little superstitious when it comes to numbers.  i have nothing special associated with 26 and on top of the 26th being Boxing Day, i have to admit i was miffed when my request to wait until Sunday the 28th to have my waters broken was turned down.  at least if it was on the 27th it would share my birthday number.  if it was on the 28th it would share me and Kev's anniversary which i like to think has been a very lucky number.  i'm hanging onto the fact that 2 + 6 = 8 and 8 is a lucky number.

he's healthy and beautiful
and he just makes my heart and eyeballs melt every moment of every day...


i was eventually admitted after some calls and strings being pulled.
my mom arrived to manage the children who would be staying for the labour as per my request.
lindsay arrived to take photos of the birth.
we were admitted to Room 8.

my waters were broken at 2pm.
2 hours passed with a dozen small contractions.
i was disappointed.  disappointed and frustrated and nervous.
even after all this time waiting and wondering when this baby would arrive, i was still so afraid to walk through the doors of labour pains again.  i think my nerves and anxiety must have psyched my body out, telling it that i wasn't ready and therefor keeping contractions at bay.  the body is a weird and magical thing...

my doctor was not expecting this and to get things going, she and a few nurses tried to persuade me into getting hooked up to an IV with oxytocin.  this is not what i wanted.  i got hooked up with Moses and the labour that followed was not what i wanted.  the contractions were beyond manageable, cold mechanical and unforgiving in every way.  of course they said i could have an epidural if needed which meant slowing things down for an unknown amount of time, not being able to walk, and having massive water retention following.  with moses, i received the epidural around 8pm and didn't end up being fully dilated and pushing until 7-8am the following morning.  i wanted the kids to be there.  i wanted to go natural.  i wanted to maintain a sense of control so that i could avoid feeling miserable, guilty and depressed in the days and weeks following the birth.  i had so much guilt with Moses for a very long time which was what gave me the determination and courage to have Chloe sans induction.

they said they would give me a little whiff just to jumpstart things and then shut it off.
i eventually agreed until the nurse totally missed my wrist's vein and an explosion of blood vessels went off in my knuckles.  as if my nervous system was not already feeling cornered enough from being coerced into getting oxytocin, it sprang into panic as it suddenly remembered the same thing having happened with Moses' labour.  they could not find my vein multiple times then and i wasn't going to let them jab me a bunch more times.  my anxiety was building and i was feeling very upset.  i am so very very grateful for Lindsay as she could see my panic and stood up for me and my fears.  may i also add that my hand has continued to have frequent spasms/shocks everyday ever since.  not happy.

i bolted out of the room.  i asked to take a walk to gather myself.  meanwhile my doctor drove home to prep dinner.  feeling newly freed, my body seemed to relax.  we went to get some food at the Blenz or whatever coffee stand it was...  quinoa salad and a muffin.  my mom and the kids happened to be sitting and snacking there as well.  my spirits were up, my energy was up, and i found the determination i had with Chloe's labour.  i did more power walking and squats to get my contractions going and sure enough they ramped up naturally!  in no time at all i was back in Room 8 swaying back and forth, moaning and groaning into kevin's right armpit while my doctor and Lindsay applied intense amounts of pressure on my back and hips.  not only did Lindsay manage to get fantastic documentation of everything, but her poor hands were working hard to help the unexpected back labour that i ended up having!


no labour is ever the same.
i don't know why i felt this labour would be a carbon copy of chloe's.
the contractions were different.  they were natural and therefor manageable (hahahahhahah…) compared to Moses, but also still not quite the Wolverine blades across my stomach that i had with Chloe.  these were back labour contractions, but to my shock, way more manageable than the violent back labour i had with Moses.  i was clawing my way up the bed with Moses with the gas masked crammed into my face, desperately huffing for my life until they pried it from my vice grip.  flash back to this labour, there was definitely cramping in the front, but the back labour was definitely the main event and i am still as grateful now as i was in the thick of it to have had Lindsay there assisting my doctor in making the pain more manageable.  i won't say they weren't bad, they were definitely no walk in the park, but they were not quite as scathing as my contractions with Chloe.  that keeps blowing my mind.

the contractions were long, up to 5 minutes at a time and overlapping one another.
my legs were probably tired but standing and swaying was the only pain solution.  the kids were in and out of the room.  my son, who has adopted many of my horrible habits throughout this pregnancy, had the audacity to complain "MOM!  YOU ARE SO ANNOYING!!!!" multiples times while i was moaning through my badass contractions.  Chloe on the other hand was sweet and rubbed my back and belly a few times.  i did end up having to push and shoe her away as having her hold my leg was hugely uncomfortable and making contractions worse.

Side Note from Lindsay

Phanie has a contraction, so Moses, in the delivery room says - MOooooOOOOO MOOOoooOOOOO *giggle giggle* and we're all - NO!! Don't MOO at your mom Moses!!! Please!!!
And he's all - MOOOOOOOOOOO


not sure how on earth i don't recall my son Mooing at me like a total a-hole...

they had me attempt to sit on a yoga ball and lean onto the hospital bed but that was the worst idea ever and as i stood up in a panic, a raging contraction came charging through me.  i don't know how long or how many of these contractions i had before i agreed to be checked for dilation update.

i can't believe i was actually able to speak.  my labour with chloe was with closed eyes as i tried to mentally guide myself through the vicious pangs.  i was more in the world than in my head this time around and surprisingly was able to lay myself down with help rather than have them force me onto the bed and again force-roll me over to check my cervix.

apparently i was ready and possibly had been ready for a while…

i was shocked and relieved.

just after 6pm...
it was time to push.
but i had had no urge to push.
with chloe it was ALL URGE.
with chloe i had an entire team parked around my bed, two people holding each leg, two people whose hands i crushed into dust, my body was centred and perfectly balanced.  it was so organized in comparison to this last labour...

there was no urge so i tried to find my "take-a-shit" muscles and started to "take a shit".
nobody was holding my legs.  maybe my left leg… but maybe it was me.  i felt like i was all over the place with my limbs distorted every which way, haphazardly parked on the bed like a drunk driver trying to take the biggest crap of my life.  the awkwardness of pushing was like two teenagers attempting to have sex for the first time.  i knew what to do based on chloe's labour but it didn't feel… genuine?  rather than my body telling ME to push, i was telling my body to push.  eventually i managed to push myself to the point of the dreaded Ring of Fire.  this Ring of Fire was different than Chloe's.  maybe it's because i had been there and it was less of a shock (if that is even possible to feel less shocked by your vagina been lined with gasoline and lit on fire…) but the initial pain was manageable torture.  i truly hope i am not making this sound like a beach vacay!  only by a few points in comparison to Chloe's labor was this minutely better…  BUT EVERY POINT COUNTS WHEN YOU ARE IN THIS AMOUNT OF PAIN!

my limbs are flying around.  i am forcing myself to push without the urge.  i am wondering when the fuck this shit is going to be over because it is taking for fucking ever to push this baby's head out and i know i still have shoulders afterwards!  at one point, i can hear Moses watching from my left leg exclaim

"WHOA!  LOOK!  I CAN SEE THE HEAD!" 

i only pushed for a total of 9 minutes but seriously, having your vag attacked with a series of blunt knives and daggers while you feel random body parts half flailing out of your body makes it feel like a goddamn eternity.

and then the shoulders got stuck.  suddenly i am being yanked and dragged to the bottom of the bed with my ass hanging off the edge (knives still stabbing at top speed!) and my doctor starts the anti-tearing coaching.  little push - STOP - another little push - STOP! - push push push - STOP - if you can do another big one… -  ok ANOTHER BIG ONE!…    i'm doing my best to breathe, i'm doing my best to hold my breath and push as hard and as long as i am asked for what seems like another eternity until, finally FINALLY FINALLY, the cheering is real, i can sense i am just about at the finish line, i start screaming at the top of my lungs and i feel the sudden insane barfing explosion of wriggling limbs fly out of me...



he arrived.





...and with the clearest mind all i could think was:


HOLY FUCK THIS IS OVER 
AND I NEVER EVER EVER EVER HAVE TO DO THIS AGAIN... EVER!!!!!!  

OH MY GODDDD MY VAGINA IS DESTROYED!!!!!!!!

oh WAIT!!!  MOSES! CHLOE! IS IT A BOY OR A GIRL!!!!

chloe has run out of the room at this point after seeing a gush of blood.  meanwhile, moses is still trying to process what is happening and i end up seeing a tiny penis.  FOILED!  my plans, again, have gone awry but it doesn't matter because it's over, i am FREEEEEEEE!!!!!!  my vagina, still burning like wild fire is more painful than i remember feeling with Chloe at this point.  i'm paralyzed with scathing burning pain.  my vagina is DE-STROYED.  it REALLY REALLY hurts as it is being cleaned up and my stomach is being painfully hand-pumped a dozen times to get all my blood and clots out, but chloe is back in the room and she and Moses are seeing their little baby brother for the first time, amazed and already in love by this tiny little body.


Moses lovingly assisting my doctor as Baby is being weighed
he finds his Baby Brother's tiny little toes


Chloe was a little disappointed that she did not get the little sister she had hoped for
but her little heart couldn't help but fall in love with this guy's sweet little face


and i…  i, who was so overrun and busy throughout my entire pregnancy, so disconnected and so afraid that i wouldn't be able to bond and fall in love again, could not be more smitten and over the moon with this darling little fellow.

today marks the first week since we arrived back home from the hospital and what a very long and very short week it has been with renos still going while we all struggle to adapt to this new schedule and pace of life.  again, i have my friends and family to thank for helping us through this first week at home.  for bringing food, for helping clean and assist with renovations, for lovely gifts and for the many messages of support and open offers for help with anything we might need.

my heart aches knowing full well that this First Year with Gang Member No. 5 is going to go faster than ever before.  every morning my heart grasps desperately at the sands of time, panicking that this little guy is one less day fresh and that his downy softness will soon be a distant memory as he grows into a little rascal.

it's going to be an exciting year.  looking forward to sharing it with you!


xo


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