2 Months

2 months tomorrow since my littlest love came burning out from my body.

how did that time pass so quickly, this last month faster than the first?
time has been altered significantly since Moses was born.  i remember those days being the longest and hardest days of my entire life.  feeling so alone and not knowing the first thing about being a mother.  i didn't know what to do or where to go to occupy the hours that dragged on for miles and miles so i mostly stayed at home.  i'd go for a walk with the stroller or have Moses in the carrier but did not go far.  i'd come home and only an hour would have passed and i'd lament over the next 6 hours i still had ahead of me before kevin arrived home from work.

when i think about those days, all i can do is shake my head and laugh at myself.  why didn't i try to attend at least ONE of the community programs?  i would have found support and made a friend and gained sanity!  i would have had someone to talk to about all the emotions and mental anguish i was going through, and i would have found that i was perfectly normal!  we could have met for tea/coffee at the coffee shop outside my apartment or venture out together for walks or picnics at any of the parks in the area.  as any mother recalls, going out anywhere is a terrifyingly daunting task for a new mother, especially on her own.  if you throw in another mother, suddenly it is an entirely different situation.  suddenly you have someone there who understands the anxiety of going out and that understanding in itself is enough to lighten that load of anxiety.  you have someone with extra wipes or diapers if you've forgotten to restock your diaper bag.  you have someone to watch your baby when you need to go to the washroom.  you have someone to laugh with when your baby decides that shitting all the way up his or her back should happen in the middle of lunch and an extra hand when attempting to remove the pullover onesie from the baby without getting thick rich yellow mustard all over his or her hair.  you have someone who is as equally dishevelled and exhausted to engage in baby-daddy-trash-talking so that bitterness is gone by the time baby-daddy gets home.  the list goes on.

you have support.
and this is the first thing i tell friends when they tell me in confidence that they are pregnant.  FIND FRIENDS NOW.  i guess at this age, most of my friends know a bunch of people with families already, but that wasn't the case with me.  at 25, all my friends were deep end partying and nursing hangovers at Bon's or Pink Pearl every weekend.

when i think of the immense community that i have built around me over the last 5-6 years, i just can't believe the loneliness i allowed myself to suffer through at the most difficult time of my life.

time has done a 180.  with Moses, all i had was time.  time was gushing out of my butt and i was drowning in it, miserable.  now, time is the thing i have the least amount of (well maybe money…).  it's just soaring at top speed.  i swear i have done all i can to savour every damn second with Malcolm.  maybe he has been a good sleeper or maybe i just don't give a shit.  maybe i'm just so thrilled and in love that waking up a handful of times doesn't ruin the entire day for me.  i'm in survival mode here!  i'm a robot, a machine just punching in and punching out, routine routine routine.  we have actually managed to stay on the meal planning train!  i am shocked and in disbelief as i am just not the most organized person, but it has saved my sanity and so much time that there is just no way i could go back to figuring out dinners every single day on the fly.  that phase of my life is over for good!

as the days fly off the calendar, i keep trying to look back on the first days and the snippets of memories seem so surreal.  the pain and discomfort lasted about 3 weeks or so and the bleeding pretty much stopped at the one month mark.  thank god!  with the polyester waterproof mattress protector making my body sweat throughout the night and having to sit up to feed Malcolm every night, my privates were a disgusting mess.

and as per usual, my body's slow road to recovery with my organs rearranging themselves back to their original place, my gas continues to be out of control.  Malcolm and I actually seem to be on the same schedule, poisoning and astounding the rest of the family with flatulence that could only come from someone like Fat Bastard on a bad day.  i started drinking coffee about 2 weeks ago, and all last week was suffering from the most painful indigestion of my life.  every single day, i would be crouched over for almost 2 hours in pain.  the first two days had me thinking i had food poisoning, then i figured my body was perhaps going through some bigger changes and kevin kindly bought me tums, gas relief pills and organic apple cider vinegar, all which did not seem entirely effective.  i'm quite sure now that it was the sudden daily introduction of coffee to my diet.

sad but good.  it was great at waking me up but i don't have a coffee maker at home nor the money to fund the addiction.  i wish the damn indigestion could have started next week since McDick's is currently having FREE COFFEE for this entire week!!!  i started going back to Franc Depart the last couple of weeks, admittedly partially for the free coffee.  however, instead of coming home to maybe get things done around the house, i decided i would give myself a break and hang out with some other mamas for that support and company.  i know it's probably the only place i can go dressed in mismatched sweats with no make-up and half tied hair and nobody will look twice.  we are all there to sit on the couch and shut off while our little one plays or does crafts and someone provides them with a free snack at 10:30am.

i have been trying to walk up more often.  the last 50 feet of the incline before it levels out is the perfect peak for the 20 minute walk making it a total workout.  i need to get some exercise into my schedule because i'm not losing the weight.  i totally thought i was going to lose it faster this time around but the same voracious appetite that reared its head after chloe was born has returned.  it's the breast feeding, or at least that is what i tell myself.  it's not that i'm peckish or craving anything, i am actually just hungry all the time!  outside the 70% dark chocolate to curb times of distress, i'm eating well, but it's not enough to shed anymore pounds.  i had lost 11 of the 25lbs i gained and then gained 3-4lbs that are going NOWHERE.

i imagine a small but still significant percentage of my weight gain is in my truly gargantuan rack of lamb.  according to the new bras i purchased a few weeks ago, i am at a 32H and a 32J.  i guess once you hit H, HIJ is all kind of the same???  i hate it.  I HATE IT.  i hate the way it looks and i hate the way it feels and i hate that they won't start go down until i stop breastfeeding which probably won't be for another 6 months .  i look like a freaking fool.  i am 5'1".  my legs are still tiny, i've still got the belly going around so virtually ZERO waist, and then these gag-like tits that are impossible to to hide.  there is nothing i can wear to detract from their ridiculous width that spans beyond my arms.  i made a quick dash to the Oak + Fort warehouse sale last Friday with lindsay, hoping to find some larger, low neck tops but left empty-handed as all the shirt styles were high necklines.  i feel more able to hide them now beneath oversized coats and large scarves, but come summertime, i don't know what i'm going to do.  and on top of the low blow to the ol' self-esteem, it feels awful.  i have a permanent strain happening across my shoulders that T-bars up my neck and gives me a mild fuzzy numbness at the base of my head.  if i set the snaps on the tightest to send the support work to my torso, the cups just jab into my ribs.  as tight as it is, the sheer weight and volume and size of the girls drags the bra down anyway that i might as well have it a little looser to sit at the same place.  and of course if i try to tighten the shoulder straps, my entire shoulder and neck area will just go numb.  HOORAY.  i usually end up sans bra for the majority of the evening at which point they are swaying back and forth just above my belly button.  the single silver lining here is that i am able to feed Malcolm without having to prop his head up as they hang so freakishly low on my torso.  grumble.

i take a deep breath and tell myself that it's just a part of this first year.  it won't be like this forever and i really do hope by the time they go down, they will go down to a mall size cup.  i'm trying to find a balance between caring and not caring about how i look.  i can't care too much because i don't have full control of my body right now.  i'm trying to feel good about myself as a person and not concentrate so much on my body's current state, though sitting in clouds of baby + me flatulence while breastfeeding is a constantly unpleasant reminder.  SIGH.

all that said, i have managed to do more things with one hand than ever before and managed to do more things while breastfeeding than ever before.  the most impressive being eating a bowl of pho while breastfeeding on both sides in about the same time that i would with free hands and a free body.  when you first have a baby, so much of your mentality revolves around the things you CAN'T DO or HAVE TO DO, but by the third child, you're mentality changes to the number of things you CAN DO and how impressive it is that you have managed to do them despite their level of difficulty.

wow.  i actually managed to write this entire post while kevin took the kids with him to do a Costco run after dinner while Malcolm has slept the entire time!  SCORE!

next post: Malcolm's Updates...



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