Circumcision Morning Woes

i'm on the down from a very frantic and anxiety-ridden morning.

we booked Malcolm's circumcision for today which is "late".  ideally we would have done it within the first month, same as Moses.  with so much going on, it was forgotten SLASH put on the back-burner.

i didn't want to do it, but kevin was pretty adamant about it.  what does adamant mean in this situation, you may ask?  well the procedure costs a lofty $450 and this did not sway even the cheap gene in his body.

of course, as thing would happen, i ended up being the one to do everything, from booking the appointment to attending the appointment and obviously the after care since i am the primary caregiver.  on top of having to take care of something i did not even want to do, the appointments for infants between 1-2 months are located in New Westminster which is an area that i am most uncomfortable navigating and rarely ever visit and the only optional times for these appointments are at either 7 or 8am.

i would have loved for kevin to accompany me (driving, emotional support, managing the older kids, etc…) but he was unable to take time off since he is currently making up for ONE SINGLE sick day he took the other week despite having been sick for two months straight while i was pregnant and christmas and giving birth and renos and being effed on sleep.  his boss would pay him for this sick day if he worked an extra half an hour everyday while another co-worker was on vacation.  WHAT A DEAL.

and of course he starts work at 8:30am so he isn't even able to stay home and get Moses and Chloe ready for their 9am school time.  in conclusion, this means my responsibility consists of:

-waking up with 3 kids at 5am
-doing the usual shitty morning routine with even tireder (yes, TIRED-ER) kids
-breastfeeding and administering tylenol to Malcolm just before running out the door
-driving solo
-in the dark rain with windshield wipers that have been intermittently not functioning
-to an area of the lower mainland that i am nervously unfamiliar navigating
-during morning traffic
-to do something that i am emotionally not prepared for

and of course, because i am me, i am late.
i grabbed a coffee at Starbucks to keep me from crashing and then..
realized i forgot my cell phone at home.
not knowing where i was headed, actually NEEDED to turn around and retrieve it in case i get lost.

luckily, in taking a slightly longer route, i avoid traffic and i miraculously do not get lost.
i call the doctor's office and inform them that i am late.  they are surprisingly understanding.

i arrive to a room packed with half a dozen first time parents (parents as in COUPLES) with their newborns in line for the 8am appointment.  at that point, i realize that i am ok and i can "relax".  i forgot that this doctor does the bang bang bang circumcisions, doing a batch of babies all at once.  i had not wasted 45 minutes of his morning by being an inept human being.

there are doughnuts and coffees.  i shove a chocolate one into my face while crouch-bouncing Malcolm on one knee and filling out the patient form on a low coffee table.  in all my panic and stress and emotional overload, i'm feeling pretty damn good showing off my multi-tasking skills as a third time mom while all the other parents looked mega strung out.  silver linings are everywhere.

i am taken into a room where a nurse applies the topical anaesthesia.  once everyone's babies' penises have been numbed and the forms have been filled, we are sent into our private rooms.

i swear to god, i almost barfed/fainted.  i don't know how i forgot the procedure having gone through it with Moses.  i don't know how i was ok after Moses had his done because i know i watched him have the procedure as well.  i don't know if it was because i was a first time mom and my bonding was not as strong as what it was with subsequent Chloe and Malcolm, and that perhaps i was disconnected in some inexperienced way, but i was traumatized.

the 3 needles of anaesthesia made him cry even as he sucked on his sugar bombs (gauze filled with sugar and grape juice).  i was less than thrilled.  little did i know that would be the least of it.  Moses was in the waiting room, taking in as much iPad time as he could while Chloe insisted on joining me and Malcolm.  we waited for 8 minutes while the anaesthesia  set in in preparation for the cutting.

the anaesthesia was in full effect as his foreskin was clamped and stretched forward.  the foreskin stretched opened like an umbrella, cut from the tip down to the base with scissors and lastly removed with a clamp cut and filed.  you can't imagine what that looks like i know.  they told me to look away but i couldn't because i was so afraid to miss if anything went wrong and i needed to kill someone.  the doctor complimented his work and left for the next room while the assistant comfortably performed the routine bandage and explained the aftercare to me.

once the assistant left the room i held Malcolm and cried.
not blubbery crying but some quiet tears as i held him close to me.

the kids chose their doughnut (they were both so well behaved…), a chocolate dip for Moses and a glazed with pink and red sprinkles for Chloe.  we made our way back to the car and now that it was bright outside, i took the quicker route home which ended up being very easy and quick.  for this i was grateful as my emotions were riding high, Moses and Chloe were engaging in the "he/she is touching meeee!!!!!" game, and the last thing i needed was to be stuck in traffic and late for school.

we arrived back home at 8:53am, just in time to run Moses across the street for school, but for some reason, Kevin's vehicle was parked outside the house.  khara's van was parked beside it in my usual spot, i parked behind Kevin's vehicle in case something was wrong, allowing khara to leave.  i'm not quite sure if you are able to fathom the volcanic eruption of sheer madness that was running through my veins as i swung open the door to grab Moses' lunch and backpack.  nobody was in the house.  i bolted out, grabbed Malcolm and hurried the 4 of us to school.   as i walked up to the home, i see kevin, pass Malcolm to him and tell him quite matter of factly that i could effing punch him.

he had gone back to sleep when we had left at 6am and slept in.  the only reason he even woke up was because khara knocked on the door to see if i needed her to walk Moses to school.

i moved my car, parked, got out and took Malcolm back as kevin left for work.
chloe held a very upset and crying Malcolm on the couch while i parked the car back in our driveway.


it's 3:30pm now.  he has pretty much slept all day long.
for this i am grateful as he seems to be uncomfortable whenever he does wake up.
his cry is different, i can tell.  once i pick him up, his eyes go all drowsy again and he falls back asleep. i am guess this is due to whatever drugs he was given?  or perhaps his body just knows to be asleep to allow him to heal.

so that was my day.




i will admit that i took a couple photos of his penis with my iPhone prior to the procedure.  it's weird, i know, but it was perfect.  perfect in that way that every single part of him was whole and perfect and i was in love with all of it.  he is my last baby.  after 5 years of bootcamp with Moses and Chloe, i know too well how fast time flies and how special it truly is to create life and take care of that little life.  i think with each subsequent child, your heart is softer.  the first child is special because he/she is your first, but this child will always be the default guinea pig.  there is no handbook to parenting a child and even if one existed, every child is different just as every person is different.  you can't parent them all the same way as their responses vary from child to child and situation to situation.  with the first, you make it your mission to create the best child you can.   with the second, you are a little softer, having already treaded stormy waters.  you can worry less and pick your battles a little better but you learn quickly that this child has baggage of their own, often very different from the first and so there is a lot of relearning.

with Moses and Chloe being so much older, i have a fairly good spectrum of shit that i have experienced thus far.  (the worst is yet to come, i know… )  i have less time for worries and more time to just enjoy and be in love.  i feel like this is why i was so much more emotional this time around.  i'm feeling less traumatized now, knowing he is going to be fine and coming to terms with the fact that it is over and done with and i can't change anything.  i won't say that kevin owes me big time for this mega fail as he has been working his ass off for months, but he had better shave his disgusting beard tonight.


sigh.
looking forward to spending time with good friends this weekend.





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