French Wins

so our final decision was based on the deadline of our current school's EduPac.
i did receive feedback from a handful of people i know and trust.  it is not to say that this is forever, either, but certainly for the time being.  the kids have had a fantastic introduction to French and have taken it in so well, it would really be a shame to change paths now.  that said, the thought of changing them in later years (grades 4, 5, or 6) would be cruel but they would manage.  i remember having new students arrive in these later years.  they adapt.  sigh.

i feel like i used to be better at decision-making.  it is now the greatest generator of anxiety in my life.  i'm constantly living in fear of making the "wrong" decision and suffering regret.  i want to make the "right" choices, but with decisions like these, there are too many factors at hand to be able to make a true and concise decision.  i'm still panicking inside, wondering if we should have switched schools, afraid that i've ruined the rest of my kids' lives forever and they will hate me and blame me for not giving them the tools they needed for their future/present.  like all parents, all i want is to give them a better life (or the same great life with great jobs, a great house with a great swimming pool and a few great cars…not jealous).  but what IS this "better life".  i still don't know what what the future holds for me.  i'm still trying to find out what i want to be when i grow up.  in fact, we both kevin and i are still trying to figure it out and it takes a lot of mental and emotional strength to not let the unknown get us down.  we are blessed to have family helping us in pretty much every aspect of life.

i think our current feelings of uncertainty are fuelling our panic for their future.  it's not a great feeling to have a career set with three kids.  it's not a great feeling for kevin to know that he physically can not continue to do his job forever and i worry how long he will be able to perform while he is still the breadwinner.  when and how will he have time to figure out what he wants to do.  will he need to go back to school?  how the hell will we pay for that???  i guess there is student loans…  it feels scary to have three kids with no 5 year plan in sight.

we don't want that for our kids.  of course, things happen.  we hadn't planned to become a family at age 26.  it happened and careers got put on hold.  i can only hope that once we get Malcolm settled into school in another 5 years (OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it's going to be the longest and shortest 5 years of all time!!!!), we will have paved some pathways into the right direction.  hopefully by then we will be better off and perhaps even able to start thinking about paying back my inlaws for helping us to get this house.  and if our kids end up having kids a little earlier like we did, i hope that if they haven't managed to get their shit together, that we will be in a place to help them out they same way we have been receiving support.

this parenting thing is a lot.  it's not just OMG WE'RE HAVING A BABY FOREVER, it's a baby that will one day become a person and you have a LOT of input on how that person turns out.  how is anyone to know how to CREATE a person when most people don't even know who they are themselves in their 20's, 30's, 40's hell ANY age.  there is no godamn handbook to this parenting thing!  it's all on the fly!  you can only make decisions based on your personal beliefs and experiences which very well may be the opposite end of the spectrum from your offspring.  how can you ever know what is right or what is best.  and then what?

"oops!  sorry!  i guess that wasn't the best decision…"

it's hard.
it's totally the hardest.

i've had a rough week with Malcolm.
ok it's not anything compared to anything i've ever had with the previous two, but it was rougher than usual and therefor the week was a little topsy turvy…

i don't know.  i never know what to say.
at the end of most days, all i want to do is sit here and write.  write about how i am currently feeling to look back and remember.  i want to be honest and talk about how i am feeling and struggling, but i can't complain.  i just can't.  i have a handful of friends that are going through some real ass shit right now that is exponentially worse than 10 of my worst days rolled into one and my heart aches for them.

i have my health.
my family has their health.
i have amazing family and amazing friends everywhere i look.

i'm tired but grateful.


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