Still Afloat

there are so many things on the go here and being the unorganized individuals that we are, everything is totally out of control.

i'm so tired these days.  we had Moses birthday party and had all three kids baptized over the weekend. my sister and husband came and surprised the kids who were overjoyed.  i have photos to post but my computer has been "out of commission" for the last couple of weeks as kevin has been helping me to figure out what was making it burning hot.  i still have a newborn and wedding to finish editing but i need to get everything in order first.  oh, also, i never have time to even sit here at the computer.

malcolm turned 5 months yesterday and i took zero photos.

my body has been killing me as he has reached that period where babies are suddenly much more aware of your presence or rather absence and start getting very attached aka freaking out after 5 minutes in any of the contraptions that have been used to buy time to messily shove food in one's face or go take a quickie in the washroom or put on something half decent for the public etc…

oh and my phone just vibrated reminding me that i have to figure out something for KLF's wedding invites.

and another friend texted me today to update her previous illustration for her band.

and i just finished designing a diploma for chloe's preschool.  i am also doing their graduation photos again with the addition of a class photo for the two classes.

i'm sure there are more things that are on my list that i am forgetting…


sigh.
right now, if i could have one wish, i would wish to be OCD about cleaning.  i'm bad at it.  i know what my house is supposed to look like, but i'm bad at it.  a couple weeks ago, i visited a girlfriend's home for the first time and my jaw dropped and broke as it hit the ground and my eyes, they bled, walking into a home that i swear was vacated and only open for showings to sell the house.  i'm so exhausted right now and i would just feel better if my house was in order but i'm so goddamn tired from  carrying 17lbs of Malcolm all day long that it is hard to find the energy to force myself to be the OCD cleaning machine that is required to make me feel happy.

the same girlfriend told me to take pride in the food i create, because she is jealous of that.
i'm trying to focus on that.  i know we are all different, i know we all have our strengths and weaknesses.  i know everyone has different priorities and has patience for totally different things. i want to embrace myself and accept myself, but i don't want to accept the mess that takes over.

i took photos last week or something of all my plants that i am growing.  i am so proud of myself for actually keeping plants alive.  maybe if i am not the black thumb i have always believed myself to be, maybe somewhere down the road i will be able to get my cleaning habits in check?

the washroom is complete!  the sink is in and working!  also haven't taken photos of that.
i need to find some organizing baskets/boxes for storage and put some hooks on the back of the door to hang my robe or my clean clothes.  also need to source or design and make a toilet paper roll holder.


my meal planning has been bad lately but i have been half managing to still get shit together on the fly.

kevin has been doing an assload of work out in the garden.  he has done a phenomenal job and has made some steady progress.  i try not to get frustrated but it is hard.  usually once i head outside to see his progress, i simmer down, but when i am inside trying to put Malcolm down after having tried my best to clean up dinner while holding Malcolm after having had to carry him while cooking dinner and after having had to carry him pretty much the entire day outside his 2 hour nap, i'm definitely wanting to freak out at kevin.  it must be great to have your own thoughts and your body to yourself all day, come home and eat, and then head outside in the fresh summer evening air to do yard work by yourself in peace.  i take a deep breath and remind myself that this is a phase, i have done this twice, and i'll never have a cute little scrumptious face to enjoy like this again until my grandparent years.  i have to remind myself to stop stressing to get things done while Malcolm requires attention because it will only upset me.  i need to let go, sit down and just enjoy him.

the weeks are flying by.  i need to enjoy even these challenging days.  it is so sad that this time with a young baby is so special, yet both parties do not have the ability to retain the sweet moments shared each day.  all these laughs and snuggles are so fleeting.  he is learning and growing at such a fast rate during this first year that there is no time to get used to anything and therefor little opportunity to remember all the different phases.

ok, it's 11:23pm.  i've been trying to get all the new clothes that the kids were spoiled with by their auntie into the washing machine for 3-4 days now.  i need to do that.


tired.  so so tired.



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