12 Years

if only you could see them
and experience them

if only you were here
and had never gone away

if you could laugh at them
and with them
(it's hard to say which is funnier)

if only i could have that gift,
that one gift...

to see your smile
and have you put your arm around me
tell me how much you love me

to believe you
when you say you know exactly who i am
and all the thing you believe i can do

to make us all feel like
everything is going to be ok

with your reassuring smile and positive outlook on life

to the very very end

you held on

going out
like small waves on the shore
being brought back every so slowly to the ocean

a very serene and beautiful way
to return to the earth

your spirit travelling around the universe and beyond

on nights like tonight
you hear my heart call

i know you are around

i can take time
to honour your memory

to love and miss you

to let you know
i'm still trying to make you proud
as if you were only a phone call away

still trying my best to be
the kindest person i can be
(you can't eat cheese everyday)*

i'm still working on it…

who would i be if you were still here?

i've done my best to navigate myself for the past 12 years
i think i've done ok

i just wanted you
        to be part of it
                 of all of it
                      all of this

you brought so much joy to our family
it was so hard to take

numbness.  emptiness.

crying.  so much crying.

frustration and anger

finally giving way to moments of freedom
to comfort the raging tantrums

it was a long process
but i feel like i survived it
and learned how to gracefully accept
your short
but everlasting

we were blessed with you

and all i can do is
spread your love around
your forgiving and understanding nature

watch them grow
with your wisdom + kindness

you are still here through me

i have the ability to keep you alive
in my day to day life

i can be the person i know you would be
if you were here with them today

i make them laugh
i make them sing

i let them be who they want to be
and love them for it

thank you


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