i've been having a rocky last couple of weeks. i've been prone to depression since i was a teenager, so as you can imagine, that sneaky worm is apt wriggle itself into my brain and cause some damage as i push on through long days with three young ones. i'm lucky. i'm lucky to live in a beautiful town surrounded by nature and friends. trouble is, i've gotten so used to pushing through for the past 6 months that i can hardly recognize just how tired and run down i am. i can hardly even admit it to myself. i deny myself the freedom to recognize it because i feel like i am in survival mode and if i allow myself to crack a little, everything will fall apart. i will fall apart. and i can't.
it happened anyway last weekend. i had a good cry out of nowhere. after a long day that ended at 1030pm, i hopped on over to a girlfriend's house with a mutual friend. i haven't ever spent much time with them, but it was the first time in a while that things felt right. perhaps it was the intoxication at work, but i felt ok to express myself. up until that point, i had seemingly mucked up a few things with other friends and as usual took things far too personally to the point where my paranoia had me feeling like my friends were upset with me and didn't want to be around me. typical cancer. technology doesn't contribute anything good either. on the contrary it makes it much much worse and fuels the panic and anxiety that have already made their permanent residence in my chest.
i've spent the week having anxiety late at night trying to figure out what is real and what is in my head. it's easy for me to connect dots and fabricate things that may not be there. sometimes i like to convince myself that it's helpful when i need to be creative. after many deep breaths and talking myself out of these fabrications, i'm feeling calmer…
this week has been gorgeous in terms of sunsets. if you are on instagram i'm sure you have had your fair share of sunset photos drowning out your feed. the moon was full and the sky was lovely so i dragged the family out to try to take a few photos. they aren't spectacular, but they are real. they aren't curated to death like the many photos we see and i am trying to make peace with myself over it. funny how my go-to phrase has become Frozen's tagline
let it go.
i'm trying to let go of things that are shaking me up. i'm trying to not get overwhelmed though the amount of work to be done on the house is hard to swallow, especially when i have to look at all the things that need to be finished every single day, with only one month left of good weather… DEEP BREATH.
i need to let it go and i need to set time aside for me.