you know i'm bad

i have a problem with reality.  i can't tell what is real because of the whole perspective thing.  what is normal?  there is no single normal.

it's been a long week, another long week.  a glorious week and a trying week all rolled up into another ball to be tossed into the pile of composting memories that are all but forgotten.

i've been bad at taking photos.

i've been bad at blogging.

i've been bad at keeping up with the seemingly larger stack of projects than i realize i have.

i've been bad at so many things.

i wish i were a more organized person.
what would i have to give up or trade to be more organized?
why couldn't this trait have been more deeply ingrained in me?
why does it only come out after i have had a few tokes?
i'm not Snoop Dogg.  i can't do that shit errday.

today Moses went outside after getting in trouble.
when i went out to join him, i found him sitting on one of their plastic chairs
at the end of the driveway, looking sad.

"you're looking a little sad, are you feeling ok?"
as he fumbled around with a loose screw he found
he mumbled with glassy eyes
"i never get to spend time with you or daddy…"

crushed.


chloe was baking banana muffins with kevin.
this is "their thing"
as there are so many things that Moses is overtly good at
food is chloe's strength
she loves food.  she is the least pickiest person and is always hanging
around asking to try things, including things like raw squash and loving it.
she has had a great ability for a long time to pick out flavours
and so we have done our best to encourage her by including her
in the making and baking of food.

it was never intended to make anyone feel excluded
but moses was definitely feeling this way

i explained to him ALL of this to him
which opened his mind and made him feel less hurt
i got him to come back inside and ask kev if he and Moses
could do a one-on-one baking session the next time which was happily agreed upon

i then went to put Malcolm down for his nap so that Moses and I could go for a solo walk into town


i was supposed to do more one-on-one with Moses this summer
and clearly i totally failed

now there are only two weeks left for me to make up for that time



god, where does the time go.

i was prepared in some ways for Moses to go to school.
i knew at least academically he would not struggle.

i am not at all prepared for Chloe to be gone.
despite being a measly 18 months younger, she was still "the baby" up until
Malcolm arrived.

i'm going to miss the "girl time"


i'm so tired.
everyday i make the intention of going to sleep at 10:30pm.
and by the time i roll over to close my eyes, it's pretty much 1:30am.

i'm bad at managing my time.
i'm bad at cleaning as i go along.

i'm so frustrated with myself these days
and i am so completely terrified of the future.






Comments

  1. Sometimes what we draw up in our minds is dimmer than reality.. the fact that you are so emotionally in tune with your kids and their feelings speaks volumes of you as a person and a parent. Every person has shortcomings, and every person fails some days - but you are recognizing those moments and making a point to do better and that is enough.

    I don't know you personally, but I enjoy your blog.. I can very much relate to these feelings - thanks for your transparency & for sharing!

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  2. phanie ... love you pal. sweet moses ... he will get his one on one baking sesh and he got some special time with you in sharing his feelings and cruising around town. it's so hard not to beat yourself up over it all. mom guilt is pain filled guilt and even when people say "give yoself a break" it doesn't always help. hope you are feeling better. XO

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