Happy First Birthday Malcolm



3 babies

i'm trying really hard to focus on the good things.  i'm so lucky to have these 3 little ones.  i'm so lucky they are healthy and happy and loved by so many.

having gone through motherhood with Moses and Chloe for 5 years before Malcolm's arrival has definitely given me the perspective to soak up every moment and not wish the long days away.  it just went too fast.  i swear, i swear he could be 3 months old right now, he could be 3 weeks old right now, it just feels so fresh that at this time 365 we were huddled in our tiny corner of the hospital with his fresh little body…  my brother was just arriving with friends to meet the newest addition wearing hospital masks as a joke like RIGHT NOW (9:46pm)

Pinterest predates Malcolm…  there were so many things i wanted TO DO if we ever ended up having a third, and i still didn't check any of those things of my list.  so many photo ops.  well, as you probably could tell from the serious lack of blog posts this year, i've been too tired and too busy.  why didn't i just take a photo carrying him every month?  why did i think doing him in the rocking chair was going to give perspective on his monthly growth better than me holding him?  also, i was so self-conscious of my own weight gain that i didn't want to have many photos of myself.  of course, it would have been cool to have done it anyway since i have lost almost all of it a year later.  oh well, that ship has sailed.

also really wishing that i had made him a birthday hat for today.  we did absolutely NOTHING for him today other than provide a charcuterie spread for the tight group of people that were able to make it today.  it's the beginning of being jipped!

WHY DIDN'T I PUT MY FOOT DOWN TO NOT BE INDUCED ON BOXING DAY

i couldn't kick myself any harder for making that decision/indecision









i wish i had a nice tablecloth.  i wish i had a non-crazy plate.  i wish i had the opportunity in the last 4 months to figure out what to paint on that gigantic canvas behind them…  all really stupid things to be concerned about right now, i know i know I KNOW, but i guess its a huge red flag for me based on all the images i scroll through everyday on Instagram that have become THE BAR.  all the perfectly curated images that are a dime a dozen that it makes you feel like that is just NORMAL and that is what you should be doing.


i feel guilty that he got jipped as he has just been the greatest joy.  i feel guilty that he will FOREVER be jipped.  i wouldn't feel quite as bad if i had just gone into labour naturally, but to have had the choice and then blow it UGH I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW GET OVER IT.

it was a small group today and in many ways i am SO thankful because this whole house is so drained and under the weather from that last week of school leading up to Chloe's birthday then the Christmas rush and then two days of Christmas ACK i know First World Problems!… anyway, i've got nothing left and i can't wait to sit on the frigging couch after this post to watch TV.

thank you to those that were able to make it today, it was so very lovely to enjoy a low key afternoon with you all!  thanks to Em for making the delicious carrot cake for our special little guy even though i know you are also equally pooped from the Holidays!  ugh wish i had brains enough to take a photo with everyone that came out.


it's the end of this short first year and onto the next chapter
i'm enjoying every step knowing it's the last time for everything with this guy
i  know i need to apply this perspective to the older two


i might just pull him out of his crib and have him sleep in my bed tonight



 






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