tomorrow never dies

today was not a good day.
today was a very challenging day.

too many nights in a row of staring at a giant screen past midnight
too many days of stop-and-go chopped up juggled schedules

i'm so worn out

next year HAS to NEEDS to be different
i'm feeling pretty shitty about myself but it's my own fault…

i'm seeing so many local photographers pop-up on my feed with sessions
that are not at the same calibre as what i am offering/producing and see what they are charging
and if what they are producing is worth what they are charging then i need to be charging a lot more

and i have known that for a while

and every year at this time i am reminded that i am an idiot for selling myself short

$110 for 8 edited images that are not well lit nor edited too well?
and i'm charging $200 for a longer session, offering all the digital files (edited) that came out at printable sizes on a DVD with a custom label and packaging, custom designed postcards on  nice paper that are also packaged

i'm a moron
i'm a sucker.  i love what i do and i love to give.  it's my nature.
i know what it's like to not have funds to afford things and i feel bad charging what i personally could not afford myself.
i'm not a business person at heart and i need to up that game if i have any intention
at all of actually helping contribute to this family.

as a result of sitting here day after day for hours and hours
i'm definitely neglecting the kids more and my patience is at an all time low
i don't now how many thing Malcolm has digested
and maybe it's just a fluke or coincidence, but Moses has been having issues at school again
and i just don't know what to do

i'm stretched so thin right now and i feel super awful
i can't take a toke or take a drink because physically i feel so low that i don't want to ingest
anything that is going to make my recovery any more difficult than it already is

i'm frustrated
because i've felt the absolute worst today than any day so far
and i had a session booked that ended up cancelling the SECOND that kev and i
finished moving the furniture out of the living room and set up the studio
at that point i was so shaken from lack of sleep and lack of eating and my head pounding
that i said
fuck it
and just left the giant couch in the middle of the kitchen
the other couch pushed up against the dining room table that was pushed up against the wall
and made the kids sit on the backdrop top watch almost 3 hours of TV

i sat in front of the computer
kevin stood over the stove
while we both took turns yelling at Malcolm (in his highchair) to STFU for an hour

it's december 1
which means, as part of the social media generation and as a mother and as a creative person who wants to keep up appearances oh and also give my children fond memories, i am more or less obligated to do an Advent calendar.

the kids have been waiting for today to take out their mini fake christmas trees that my mom got them last year.  they did that.  and i said after we put the house back together we would look at ideas for the advent calendar (how to make the quickest and nicest oneAS IF THERE IS EVEN SUCH A GODDAM THING) and activities/treats to do…  that lost its novelty PDQ as Moses was Gemini-ing my ear off and i was losing my cool.  he of course got super sensitive sad and did a pity-walk down the hall when i told him the activities we noted down were for each day and not to do ALL TONIGHT.  OMG I WAS GOING TO STRANGLE SOMEONE.  i literally felt like it was 3am all fucking day today.

Malcolm is climbing on everything so i can't let him roam as freely anymore
which of course means I CAN'T DO ANYTHING EVER

and i feel awful because i just can't
by the end of the day i just want to cry from being so tired
and i know kevin could read them stories
but i know they want me to do it
and if me reading stories increases the chance of Moses behaving better at school
then you can bet i'm going to force myself to pretend like i have any energy to read books

i just don't have the energy after stories to kiss them goodnight in their beds
never mind the nightly struggle of who goes to bed first: Malcolm VS BIg Kids
i guess either way he ends up crying and i have to go in and rock 22lbs of baby for
10 minutes to get him to MAYBE go back to sleep when they INEVITABLY WAKE HIM UP

and then i feel horribly guilty that i have all 3 of them in the same room because we don't have the space at the moment to split them up.  i feel bad making them listen to him wail in the dark.  i feel bad not being able to give them a bigger house to roam and have space to themselves.  i feel bad that i am a shitty business person.

and i am really angry at kevin right now for sitting on the couch to watch a movie for like the 3rd time this week.  but i can't be because for reals, he has been doing work on the house and making the kids lunches.

it was just a bad day
i am happy that we have each other
that they have a warm home and enough food
that we all have our health
we have everything we need
and there is always tomorrow


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