Down the Rabbit Hole

well, it's surely been one of the longest breaks between posts here.  since then there has been much less frost and much more rain.  January and February flew by which is not what usually happens.  Usually it drags on forever with no end in sight.  Well, we are pushing on March now which means a quarter of the year is officially over.

What does that means for us?

It's been a bumpy transition.  It has been a hell of a lot of adjustment for everyone in the house.  Kevin officially stopped working at the beginning of December, but with all the Holiday bustling and birthdays for Chloe and Malcom just before and after Christmas, we were kept busy.  It has since slowed down, the dust has settled and we are in the first steps of "what are we going to do?".  with our large and kind-hearted network, kevin has had a good handful of jobs including prepping a home for selling (light renos and painting), a few upholstery projects, 2 custom built planter boxes, and this week he has been helping friends move into their new home, properly installing things to the wall and building furniture.  he's been catching up with the TO DO list for our home as well, he finally designed a toilet paper holder for the main bathroom, set up shelves in the dining room, and has been working on a custom coffee table for the living room.  thank you friends!  i love you friends!

I've had a few photo and design jobs here and there but my heart has been wandering back to the idea of setting up art classes for kids.  i'm doing trial runs over Spring Break to see how they go, what the response is like and how i feel about taking on the role of leading these young ones through their creative process.  i'm nervous and excited.  if you search through this blog, it isn't my first rodeo.  certainly, leading the Toddler Art Classes with Taryn was an extraordinary feat, what with Moses being under 2 years old and Chloe being months old.  i'm a little more seasoned, much more patient, and a lot more chill than i was 4 years ago!  to boot, i've got the support of friends who have pushed me to do this and whose kids i get to test on first.  thank you friends.  i love you friends.  let's see where things go from here! 

life is great.  generally.  not my life.  yes my life, but not in a conceited way, but from a mindful place of gratitude.  with all its ups and downs, it is great.  as tortured as i am with anxiety over the uncertainty of things, it really is quite thrilling at the same time to know that new things are around the corner.  i've had my share of rough times, especially struggling mentally with depression as i have been tossed in the throws of juggling motherhood with career.  last month was pretty intense as ugly things from the past resurfaced in a new light and required me to reprocess the consequences it had on our marriage with an new entirely different reality.  that took me about 2 weeks which happened to overlap with a 2.5 week fight-turned-relationship-reassesment with kevin.  so many many talks of so many many things, staying up too late for too many days in a row, i was drained.  it's hard to maintain a relationship when there are too many kids and not enough time and not enough money to throw at a movie night or fancy dinner date to get out of the house.  i mean, it's pretty hard to enjoy a living room date night in a 1500sq feet home with 3 kids and all their shit everywhere...  sometimes you really just need to GTFO.  and then there is the grumpiness of not sleeping, and the grumpiness of not having time to do things you love or time to improve the quality of your work and the grumpiness of what feels like NO FREEDOM.  the stress of finding work, paying a mortgage and then suddenly being in one another's space 24/7 is bound to wear out a relationship!  anyway, we came out of it alive, eventually, and we were able to leave much of the disdain, bitterness and inconsolable differences behind and move forward with clarity and empathy.  i really respect that when these things erupt as they do every few years, that after the initial flames and bombs are thrown across the house, we can sit or lie for hours and discuss everything a-z.  i think much of our push-pull is because we are polar opposites.  i am ENFP (Extrovert, Intuitive, Feeler, + Perceiver) and he is INTJ (Introvert, Sensor, Thinker, + Judger).  when we looked at the actual percentages from our 44 answer test, we both filled the amount that the other lacked.  so on one hand, we are so different, but as hard as that difference is to deal with, i FEEL like it really helps to balance each other's extremes.  i get him out and social, he tempers my constant need to "party" for some quiet time.  he reminds me to think things through and check facts, i remind him that sometimes that gut feeling is a good thing or that taking risks are sometimes the only way to experience new things.  anyway, we are doing better and working on a lot of things for each other and for ourselves.  he's working on his pessimism and overall perpsective and i'm working on active listening and not interrupting.

i have started working out.
it's the first time in my life that i am experiencing actual PLEASURE from working out.  i actually factually FEEL BETTER.  let's be honest here, it hasn't even been a week, but seriuosly, i'm pretty sure the longest i've "worked out" for was twice in one week and it went to hell.  i've already doubled that!  i'm hoping to get back into yoga as well, though i have been making it a habit to do 5-10 sun salutations in the mornings.  my improved mental state has brought me as far as it can go, it was time for me to get off my ass and get physical physical.  i'm so happy to be more in control of my mind and my perspective.  it took a lot of practice, but making gratitude a habit has been life changing.  and now that i have broken the bad cycle, bad days are just another day, and tomorrow is another chance.  i am only as happy as i choose to be.

the kids.
moses is currently the one torturing me the most.  he's had another log book that helps him to keep track of his feelings and appropriate behaviour.  he's doing a lot better, but i feel like he needs these visuals to help him remember.  also, hot on his list is LYING and SNEAKING.  it's enraging but since both his parents were avid liars and thieves, it's not a big surprise that karma is hitting back... HARD.

chloe has been excellent.  the worst thing about her right now is that she keeps reverting to talking like a toddler and it drives me insane.  that and the fact that her listening/memory is the same as my own, where she literally takes 5 steps and forgets what she is supposed to be doing.  BRUSH YOUR TEETH, GET DRESSED, EAT BREAKFAST, PUT ON YOUR SHOES AND COAT AND GTFO.  it's the same thing everyday, i don't understand why she can't remember!!!!! 

malcolm is so freaking adorable which works to his advantage when he is literally kicking and screaming on his belly for NO REASON.  i just laugh at him and it seems to shut him up when he realizes i'm entertained more than angry at him.  also, he is still in pteradactyl stage.  we made some old ladies pretty angry at White Spot the other day.  HOW COULD THEY POSSIBLY ENJOY THEIR LUNCH TOGETHER!  also, i'm annoyed that foods he used to eat are all hitting the floor.  he didn't eat dinner so i gave him some crackers LOL.

i'm so happy to have blogged something.
there is a backlog of photos that i have wanted to blog but 2 months feels like forever...



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