Year One

it's been a year since we took the plunge off the high diving board and into the deep end.
see last year's post

we did it.  we actually did it and we are good, we are totally ok.
a huge thank you to everyone who helped support us, seriously every single little bit helped and made a difference.  from generous ears and kind words to referrals and opportunities.  i don't know how we would have done this without our amazing group of friends and family.  THANK YOU.

hey time.  you really need to slow the hell down.
this year went by fast.  last year was malcolm's first year which means he was really JUST BORN and when the hell was i pregnant for a 3rd time???  and with 4 years in between the first two kids, seriously where is all the time going???

another christmas is headed our way.  my first day of holiday sessions is in 10 hours although we need to be up in running in 8 to drop off the kids at daycare so kevin can be my snowman/confetti man for the day.  it's crazy to think these sessions were my starting point with photography.  i'll be doing them at the school this year instead of at home.  the level of kevin's domesticity has rendered me a useless husband who no longer does anything because "well why should i if he is doing it and can do it better".  i never thought in the entirety of my life that i would ever say that.  i am lucky but i truly hate how i have allowed it to turn me into a disgusting lazy piece of crap.  where was i going with this... oh yeah, having the sessions at the school this year because i can not be bothered to have my home in Show Home condition with 3 kids in 1500sq feet.  I CANNOT.  even if that means i lose my profit to paying rent to the school.  to be fair, i also get way more space and therefore flexibility with lighting, but really it's because my house is too messy and i am too lazy to clean it for company. maybe i'm legitimately too tired, but i'm going to call it laziness anyway.  also, i'm really over-paranoid about the house still smelling musty.  embarrassed.

things kevin does:
-gets up every morning before me and makes the kids' lunches.
-sometimes make me my egg and toast.  and my london fog.
-if i am really hating myself in the morning and i am still in bed, he then takes them to school.
(please note i said "hating myself" not "hating how spoiled i am", self-hatred is different than gratitude)
-takes malcolm out on errands/library/strong start/park so i can work.
-if i am still on a roll, he will pick up kids and take them to their lessons.
-makes dinner every frigging night because i've given up on wrapping my brain around trying to organize my life so that i can work groceries and meal-planning into my schedule.
i mean what does he do all day anyway, he might as well just make the damn dinner while i'm doing work even if work is often sidetracked by reading 5 million articles on the current state of the world as Trump has come into power...
-if i don't/can't make the effort he does story time with kids after yelling at them during shower time (nightly yelling at children is mandatory in this house as patience quickly runs out closest to the finish line)

not sure why i made that list.  because it's a lot.  it's a lot and it was my role for so long and now that i finally seem to have slid pretty much all my food onto his plate, i am missing that role.  why do w e romanticize things we don't have???  WHY.  why is the stupid grass greener.  after this year of switching roles, i'm ready to be a stay at home mom again LOL.  i miss being able to make dates with other moms to go to parks and have hot drinks.  it's weird having less of those dates in my life when they were the thing that got me through each week for so many years.  it's been weird having to say NO to so many invitations.  it's been weird having people assume i'm too busy.  i miss just doing crafts with the kids.  as much as i hate cooking, it felt good to be able to do a decent job of it.  it was, in its own way, therapeutic... as long as malcolm isn't screaming and crying on my leg the entire time.  the chopping and methodical pace could be pleasant.  now i seriously can't even handle trying to get through a recipe.  i hate the feeling of feeling useless.  i hate my sluggishness and feeling totally DUMB standing in the kitchen.  i hate the laziness of not wanting to cook and how many times this year i totally bought garbage or just made everyone go out to eat.  for the first time, i understood the working mom.  staying at home i definitely had my judgey moments, questioning why a home cooked meal was so impossible and now i know all the flavours of my foot in my mouth.

i miss it.  i miss the slower days.  i'm so proud of myself for everything i have achieved this year.  i feel really good about myself for making it and so surprised that it's already a year!  it's been a big year for a lot of people, a lot of friends who have also made leaps and bounds and life changes.  kevin has started helping out more with one of our friends who started his own business.  a lot of it is things kevin is familiar with and a lot of the jobs are close to home.  this year has been nuts for both of us, i'm really hoping he can take on a bit more so i can pull back and reassess my side of things and figure out a plan for the new year.  also, it's been so good for him to get out and DO THINGS since that is where he finds personal satisfaction.  as much as he has totally owned being the stay-at-home parent this year, i know he needs to keep his brain going and nothing numbs a brain like being a stay-at-home parent hahahaha.

oh man oh man oh man.
i regret staying up to do this but i'm so happy i did
and i really hope i get back to blogging more this year.

i'm going to die tomorrow.  8 sessions.  deep breath.  we've done this.


  1. Buddy. Holy shit!! You're doing it, you're a powerhouse. Big hugs. Xo


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