last days of 2016

it's been a heavy year.  my Facebook feed is full of memes and videos of how shitty 2016 has been and i've seen a few ads for NYE parties called "FUCK 2016" and such.  in my personal life, i definitely can say it was less barbaric and heartbreaking than many of the historic incidents and headline news that flooded my feeds.  obviously i've been on the internet a whole offing lot since everything i've just said was based on the internet.  internet is life.  and yet i still don't know how to explain what it is when my kids ask "what is the innernet????" (omg autocorrect totally correct "innernet" to "internet")

i have grown a lot.  i have experienced a lot.  i have witnessed a lot more things in one year than any other year in my life.  there have been great joys and deep sadness and loss, the entire gamut of what life has to offer.  the year has also introduced me to anxiety.  we met in a head-on collision just a couple of weeks ago after racing the damn thang all year long.  i'm embarrassingly shocked that i have bounced back so quickly because when i finally got to the point of reaching out, i had feedback, love and support and stories from people for days, including many who have been living with it for years.  the response was incredible, shockingly incredible.  i am still so touched and surprised by the large community i have around me.  i am forever grateful.  it is the singular reason why i would never consider moving elsewhere, it is just too good.  if i am anything close to the good people i have around me, i could probably start loving myself.

i had an epiphany this evening.  a weed epiphany, but perhaps it's what helped with the clarity, to slow me down to a pace that i am able to actually focus.  in the last quarter of this year, i have had this consistent feeling of rebirth and renewal, shedding an old skin full of new lessons and a little more patience... a very tiny bit more patience.  the renewed me is almost out of the cracked shell of 2016, still trying to push through and really learn this last lesson to help me blast out and scream  "I DID IT!!!! I'M FREEEEE!!!!!!!!"  i've spent a lot of time reassessing my reactions and judgements, i've stopped to actually take a good look at this old-ass track i've been running for probably my ENTIRE LIFE and see how it has been serving me if not hurting me.  things need to change.  they need to change in order to grow.  so, as Christmas quickly approaches, we've been entertaining the possibility of taking this year by the reins and doing our own thing.  i never actually got too far past what we would do as a family together, mostly considering who ELSE would/could we see that day.  tonight, i saw a photo of Molly "water skiing" on the frozen ocean.  it's been a superbly beautiful week weatherwise.  every single day at about 330pm the sky is bright and crisply clear with the crazy cotton candy pink + purple clouds.  and with all the snow still frozen to the frontwards and trees, it's been the perfect White Christmas.  i haven't been to the beach for months and i forget how insanely beautiful it is in the winter.   it was the image of cozying around a bonfire with s'mores (or maybe chocolate dipped-churros) and weiners that had me melting at the idea of starting some traditions of our own.  i want to start doing a few things that we can do every year so that the kids really look forward to them and carry these memories with them as they get older.  it's our time to make some really great memories together, MALCOLM IS SO CUTE and little and about to be 3 and 4 and 5 and 8 and 12 and 18 and 25.... which will make Moses 30.  so basically they are going to be my age next month.   Happy 2029 to me! that's probably wrong math but i already sat here for 5 minutes trying to figure it out and i need to move on...

ANYWAY.  so i sat down and i was smiling as i was writing out a mock schedule of what Christmas Day could be this year and my heart was pounding with a joy that i haven't felt in a really really long time.  Christmas typically is more of a stressful time of year than it is the hap-happiest time of the year for me.  i really hate the material aspect. it seems really not-christmas to be spending days trying to figure out the perfect birthday present for every single person you love, i mean is that really what Christmas is???  that seems like A LOT to put on ourselves every single year, a lot of time and a lot of money and when you are on the spectrum that has little time and little money, man, the holidays can really need some extra cocktails.  it's a season of excess and i really try to not get sucked into it but the guilt of wanting to give to so many people is a real thing.  in the end, it's always the same, all i need and want is to be with the people i love and who love me back without boxes of stuff (times 5) to try to puzzle into our house.   i'm going to put together a day and i'm going to make it super super special.  it will be like a party but just for me and my family in our tiny home.  i'll have some things be surprises that only i know about.  i saw the absolutely cutest napkins in the clearance section at Anthropologie that i held onto for half an hour and then put back because i didn't know who the eff to buy them for and figured i couldn't use them regularly so why would i buy them...  that's how i shop.  i hate shopping.  where was i?  traditions!  it will be the most outrageous feeling to create these first memories of our first traditions, to put time and care into creating this day and seeing how much they enjoy it and know that it is now OUR THING.  I'm probably idealizing it my head but trust me, the day looks awesome, a mixed-ethnic hipster AF family having a slow motion perfect Christmas day to the tune of The Raveonettes The Christmas Song.  stay tuned and fined out which plans are a success and which ones are a large steaming pile of shit.  i feel like we're fucked for a bonfire because it's supposed to rain all weeeeekkkkk...

ok.  i was supposed to clean my room and watch Adventure time.  i managed to clean 60% of the room before sitting down to write.

i'm excited for 2017.  i know there are a few things left i need to figure out and i look forward to so many new and great things for this year.

please wish me luck with planning something for Chloe and Malcolm's birthday in addition to planning our first Christmas.

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